I’m actually struggling this week. I didn’t really realise how much until Lewis asked me ‘what’s going on?’
It’s been difficult at work this week and I’ve been crippled with anxiety and I feel like at any moment in time I could burst into tears or a fit of rage. Theres nothing that compares to the dread you feel bumping into someone you don’t want to or hearing snide remarks thrown your way. When you feel it bubble up inside you like you could physically burst into a thousands peices and someone would just sweep you under the rug and forget your there.
I’ve got things I need to do and places I’ve got to get to but I’m being held back by staying in bed and sleeping because lets face it, you don’t feel anything when your asleep. Memory isn’t a thing and neither is dread or upset.
Remember getting on the school bus and sitting near the front away from those bullies at the back and wanting to be invisible so no one would start shouting at you. Or the first love you had and your in a restaurant and you bump into his ex who he was with for years and you know she broke his heart. That’s the feeling. The stomach churning feeling I’ve come to know so well.
My hands are tied for now. I won’t share my burdons nor make them apparent but I know you’re aware of what your doing.
Sunday, although starting quite stressed ended with laughter smiles and no one out sleeping in the shed. So todays been well spent. We went to a wedding fair today at Sheffield, via the M1 and I drove and it must have been like we were invisible or something as everyone sempt to target my moving bright yellow Nissan juke. Needless to say I came home a different way.
The wedding fair sempt quite small on arrival however it took us 1.5 hours to walk around once, looking at all the different stands. We learnt a lot from today mainly what we don’t want rather than what we do. Never the less this has crossed a few things off the list of things we want and it’s becoming more and more clear what direction we’re heading in.
Oh and we agreed on a date to get married.
And we may have sorted a photographer but there’s nothing wrong with being prepared. I can’t wait to start planning and getting mood boards together, the cutting and sticking oh it’s so exciting. That one day you’ve both dreamed of surrounded by all the wonderful people in your life. Everyone looking dapper.
Future Mrs Laura Neeve.
2021 is gonna be a good year.
I say it every year, we all do, we’re gonna make changes and shape our bodies the way we have all dreamed of. ‘It’s going to be the best year ever’ or ‘2019 is our year’ I’m guilty ill hold my hands up. I love starting a fresh year with a positive attitude all fired up and ready to make the change I so need but how many of the things I say I’m gonna do, do I actually do.
I specifically remember telling myself I needed to blog more last new year and of course in one whole year I managed 3 posts.
In the grand scheme of things I was in such a bad place for most of the year that I don’t think I would like to read it back. A lot happened in 2018 that definitely shaped me as a person. However I am so thankful I got to see it through and I made it like I said I would. I’ve got my little Lake and her daddy and both of them managed to get me through it unharmed.
I really want to blog more this year and let you see more of what happens in my daily life. I won’t promise I will but I will promise I’ll try. I’ve got a list of things to do as long as my arm and the more I look at it the more it puts me off which also leads me to my next resolution.
Procrastination is a major downfall for me. Why put off today what you can put off tomorrow has become very my go to mood. December is my busy month with work and I’ve done extra and long shifts so I haven’t felt like even being awake when I’m not working. All I want to do is be in bed sleeping. I’ve also been poorly with a throat infection over Christmas and had to have antibiotics so I’ve been the designated driver. All that aside I’ve still manage to pile the pounds on this last month to say I’ve had difficulty swallowing I’ve certainly made up for it on good days.
And last but not least my last new years resolution is to stop being a recluse and go and see people who want to hang out with me. I’m such a home bird that I find myself shutting myself off from things that happen outside of it. My home is my sanctuary and my break from life but I do seriously need to get out more and see friends. I want to see the people that make me smile and laugh and who make me feel good about myself.
Im so glad to let go of 2018 it wasn’t the best.
2019 is going to be positive, intense, it’s gonna be memorable and I want to look back with fond memories. Lakes Three now and I want to enjoy every moment of it.
I thought I’d of started this year off on a massive high but turns out I was sadly mistaken.
Day 1. Lake through the biggest bitch fit known to man in front of her god parents, parents.
Day 2. I woke up with a sickness bug and couldn’t make it to work.
Day 3. Sore tummy from being sick, muscle ache, no food and the smell of it making me gag, swollen glands and a headache.
Day 4. I went to the doctors turns out I need antibiotics for a throat infection that can only be described as my glands stopping me swallowing and breathing.
Day 5. Find out my nan has been on the war path again with Lewis telling him stories from when I was a child and trying to sabotage the relationship we all have with my mother.
On the plus side I drove on the motorway for the first time this week, I got my prescription free because I’m a cancer patient, I had a good review from work and Lake now knows how far to push me before repercussions happen.
What is it people say about balance?
I’m wide awake after just getting up with Lake. She was in a bit of a flap because she couldn’t find her donkey (a jelly cat called donkel) I’m now back in bed watching her on the monitor soothe herself back to sleep and rub his ear next to her face. She’s had a the same nasty cold I have had this last week and although she’s over the worst of it I can’t help but feel for her when I hear her coughing herself awake. I’m looking forward to getting her a big bed at Christmas so I can climb in with her and cuddle her until she falls back to sleep. It’s so hard with her still being in a cot because if she falls asleep on me I can’t lift her back in bed.
I look at her and I feel my heart expand with happiness and sadness all at the same time. I’m so happy but sad she will grow and fly the nest. Sometimes I wish she could just stay my little baby for a little while longer. I’m getting all emotional thinking about her 2nd birthday and how it’s weeks away and how I felt this time 1 year ago when she turned 1.
She’s more than I ever expected, she’s shaped me in a way I thought no person could and she’s fixed wounds I never thought would heal.
She’s not just a child.
She’s my child and I’m so proud.
Me and Lake got up about brunch time today just because we could. When she wakes she’s happy to just play in her cot until I wake up (unless her nappy is bulging or she’s ready for her toast) in which case she repeatedly shouts me until I go in her room. I don’t even have time to pee first.
She’s had her dummy (Diddy as she calls it) a lot less today because I’ve noticed she’s tried to talk with it in and that’s a pet hate of mine so she has to take it out or stay quiet for bed times. We played games, did the washing, read some books and had snuggles on the sofa.
Today we didn’t do much but we managed to love one another all day and not fall out and that’s good enough for me. I felt like I missed her this week because I haven’t had much one on one time with her but today made up for that and it shows me how far I’ve come in a year.
Halloween is over now and I can feel my Christmas spirit rising within me. Lake will be two on December 23rd and she’s having a party and I’m so excited to see her little face.
Days like today I like to sit back and look at what a beautiful little human me and Lewis are raising and how proud I am of her and us for taking this challenge together.
So today has been ‘my’ day. Lakes at nursery and Lewis is at work and for once I haven’t slept the whole day like I normally do and then in the evening get upset because I’m not tired and I’ve missed a whole day.
I called the salon this morning to see if I could cheekily get into have my hair done because I’ve officially not washed it for a week and I think it’s on it’s way to walking off my own head.
2pm I had my hair washed by a girl who’s nails I do and it was every bit of what I imagined. There’s something about zeta special about the way a hairdresser washes you hair that just makes it feel like magic. I walked out bounding with confidence that my hair actually looks nice after a blow dry.
So I’m shopping, walking in and out of shops and getting excited for Christmas seeing all the new stock come into the stores and I head over the the perfume counter and see a sent I used to wear as a 20 year old child making my way to being an adult and spray a ‘spritz’ across myself to come to the realisation that it’s men’s.
So I’ve got lovely glossy sleek new hair and now all I can smell Is testosterone. Great.
I need to shop walking around with my eyes shut and pay attention to what I’m doing with my life.
today was lakes first day at nursery and she loved it. she didn’t want to come home. I don’t know what that says about her home life but I’m glad she enjoyed her time there.
I dropped her off at 1pm today and collected her at 4 after having my brows done, obviously you have to be selfish with your time. As I was getting off the bus Lewis called to say he was up the road and he had finished a job so we got to collect Lake together. We walked in nursery and looked through the window as she was sat down with all the other children eating her dinner and I felt so proud. I only recall this proud feeling when I gave birth but seeing her there, grown and interacting with children and her having no idea that we could see her filled my heart and made my eyes well up. I was so glad Lewis got to share that with me and see what a incredible human we have.
I cannot lie this has been one hell of a journey and I’m no where close to half way but at times like this its nice to stop and appreciate what you have and how much you have achieved, to save for days when you feel like you have had enough and that you cant go on anymore.
Parenting is the hardest thing you will ever have to do but ill tell you a secret, its totally worth it.
tomorrow is Lakes first time at nursery. I don’t know how I feel about it, one side fills me with dread like any other mother but you hear all these horror stories. on the other side I know this will do her so much good. She is in the middle of what feels like terrible twos (aside from she is 19 months old) she’s hitting, and saying ‘smack’ when she is doing it so is aware of what it is but I cant seem to curb this. I feel like I have tried everything.
Lake is pushing so much right now from throwing tantrums to throwing toys. She boots off when you change her, she boots off when you put her to bed, she boots off getting dressed and surprisingly getting undressed. She screams at the cats and throws her dummy everywhere possible including down the number 54 bus at rush hour, that was the fun thing of today. sometimes its just hard to listen to that whinge voice where she doesn’t even know what she wants.
Don’t get me wrong I love being a parent, being her mom is the best thing in the world and she surprises me everyday with what she picks up she is just going to grow so much at nursery with the other toddlers. Her being a baby didn’t seem to last long.
I’m looking forward to seeing her bloom.
I’ve not blogged in what feels like forever and I really want to put more time and effort into what I’m writing. So I have started and the first move was to buy a laptop and buy a book on blogging and taking some tips from people who I follow on Instagram. All achieved today. god I’m getting good at this making a list and sticking to it stuff.
I downloaded a list app on my iPhone and when I’m lying in bed at night and I have a million things running around in my head that I’m trying not to forget, I make the list on my phone, look at it the next morning and then mark off what I’ve done when I’ve done it.
I shall be a boss mom.
I can do this.
I don’t know what’s happening to me recently. I feel like I’m taking on board fashion like never before. I’ve downloaded drakes album on Spotify and I’ve got a love for the new Zara Lawson blush pink and gold Nike jewels. I’ve never been a trainer fan or even this sports wear as I barely made it to the gym once in this last two years but I’ve been doing some training at home.
It’s so hard to fit training at the gym in with a toddler no nursery time a part time job a boyfriend oh and no car and having to rely on public transport.
I drove the car for the first time in my life this week and I actually enjoyed myself which is something i thought I’d never be able to say because driving to me is the single most scary ass thing I will do in my life. Not child birth, no! Driving. What a massive wimp.
I weighed myself this morning though and I am coming in at 10st 2lbs. Got another half a stone to go and I’ll be somewhere near happy. I’ve just got to focus and keep my eye on the ball and end result.
No more Easter eggs please god damn it.
I’ve been watching thirteen reasons this last week with Lewis when we have got in bed and I must say it’s affected me much more than I thought. I woke up yesterday morning with the thought of the first 8 episodes playing around in my mind about how school was for me and how I related to how Hannah baker felt at the time she was so alone. Never has there been a truer saying than ‘you could be surrounded by people and still be lonely in the middle of a crowd’
I’ve had depression more than half my life and it hit me hard about the age of 14. I couldn’t stick being around my mum, she was enemy number 1 (or so I thought at that time) and I never really had secure friends. I was pretty much a loner throughout my school years starting at reception. I’m the kind of person that knows everyone and everyone knows who I am but nobody actually knew who I was. I floated a lot. In between social groups and links of people in between. I wasn’t the kind of kid that sat at the back of the class on two legs I was more the kind that sat at the front and got paper thrown at her.
I had a couple of friends in my class who I mostly hung out with but that’s another story.
I’ve seen so many patterns in my life that I know what to look out for in future friendships and relationships.
My step sister is now married to my ex boyfriend.
My ex wife is now married to my friend who took me for chemotherapy.
My current friend is now seeing a old flame.
All my childhood I felt like a people pleaser. Like I had to please people to be friends with them. Like I owed them something for me hanging out with them.
A good will gesture if you will.
But you know something? I’d never let any of that change me as a person because I care, I get hurt. But I’d still be hurting if I didn’t care, just in a different way.
I’m not only learning to let go but I’ve learnt forgiveness and peace of mind. And these are what matters to me more than bitter sour memories.
Can’t sleep again. 3.16am and I’ve not been to sleep yet but I’ve been tired since 9.30pm I’ve took all my painkillers including morphine and my antibiotics and still I’m in pain. When will I ever be rid of this tooth ache.
I’ve been laid for 2.5 hours in the dark just waiting for sleep to take over me yet I’m still thinking about what’s coming out of my account and what me and lake can have for lunch, the washing that’s in the machine from tonight that I was to tired to hang out or even put in the tumble dryer.
I’ve heard ever door bang, every car that’s passed the wind whistling through the trees, for the last 10mins I’ve been counting lewis’ tummy rumbling like they are contractions.
To much on my mind as always.
I wish I new how to shut down and stop letting things and people bother me.
I wish I could just stop caring for a while.
I’m watching Annie on Netflix. Lying in bed thinking about 90% of my life that I can’t change obviously and it got me thinking about my childhood (yes, because of the ginger Afro) people referred to me and Annie and I am far from an orphan.
My dad (Nick Bacon) sadly died at the age of 33 from cancer – I’ll go into this story another time but I was 8 when he passed away.
I loved my childhood with my parents but Mostly I remember my dad because I was always made aware my pops was very poorly and sometimes he couldn’t come home with us he was to stay in hospital. So my brain seems to have forgot the memories I have in order to cherish the ones with my dad. Sort of like when you run out of space on your phone and you have to do a rougthless act of deleting the ‘less important’ ones.
He is my ultimate hero and although I had him for such a short time I feel humbled in the love that he showed me in that time. His love in 8 years has been enough to stay with me all this time and will continue throughout my life.
Knowing he isn’t around anymore hasn’t got any easier I have just learnt to adapt more. I’ve learnt to push through it because life still happens. Grief is a terrible thing and it’s saddening to know that it happenes to everyone of us.
If I have learnt anything from it, it’s to love everything you do and you have. Life isn’t about stuff, it’s the people you say hello to in the street, the places you go on holiday that took you a year to save for, it’s in the food you eat. I’m so grateful and I don’t think for one second my pops would be disappointed in me. I’ve got a beautiful home, *clique I actually love my job, my daughter is so much more than I could have ever hoped for, Lewis is still in education just one year to go and our family’s around us. Life is good. Life is more than good.
I am content.
I hate being an over thinker. I over think every single situation that goes on, in my life and it’s exhausting. I’m currently thinking about one situation and I’m playing it back and forth, two and fro and when I feel like I’m getting somewhere another thought springs up like a icon with a stupidly annoying alert that you always forget to change like ‘oh hey you forgot me! I’m a different scenario to put a spanner in the works and make you over think about a possible new accurace and get a different outcome but really you’ll end up in the same place’
My brain irritates me. I have no kill switch. Nothing that makes me so relaxed I fall to sleep.
The great life of someone with fatigue, chronic illness, anxiety and insomnia.
And now another cold.
This time last week I was at a baby shower shovelling my face with cake and cups of tea and now we’re all in the house in separate rooms.
Lake is having a nap that I’m sure because I’m writing this now she will wake up and scream until I go and get her.
Lewis is in bed, poorly sick and close to dying ….
So this was as far as I got before she woke up and Lewis started doing a man moan to call me upstairs. It was so sunny yesterday when they were having they’re mid afternoon nap I brewed myself a Costa coffee in my favourite mug grabbed a cigarette and took myself to the bottom of our garden on the pebbles and sat. Not on a chair or wall, just me, no phone no book just sat and watched all the little things function from the ants to the birds. How the slight breeze moved the trees and felt grateful for what I have and how special it is.
I had a bath that evening and shaved my legs. Yes you read that correctly. I actually shaved my legs for what must be the first time in 2.5 months and I feel like I’ve got skinny legs again.
I’ve had tooth ache now for just short of a week and I’m loosing the will to live. I’ve started to think if I took all my own teeth out with a pair of mouldy tweezers it wouldn’t hurt this much. I’ve got an infection in my gum all down the right side of my face. Even my jaw is hurting down to the bone. I went to bed last night about 9.30pm and the last time I saw the clock it was 4.45am this morning. Sat up crying about the pain and all the things going off in my head.
I’ve got my appointment at Weston park on Thursday and I’m dreading what they are going to say. This is my results from the MRI scan I had a few weeks back. I think every one else can tell there is something wrong to by the way I’ve been acting. I can’t help but push people away and turn myself into isolation, I find it a coping mechanism to stop hurting other people and so I’m not crying all the time. I’m going into the unknown again. I’m going right back into my worst nightmare.
Just to add, I’ve also weighed myself this morning and I’m not happy. 10:12lbs it said I was. Since October I’ve added 12lbs to my weight and it’s making me feel like it’s 12 stone. I need to fall in love with myself again before I go on holiday in may. I want to feel like I can work a bikini not that everyone will think I’ve been harpooned.
Move more, eat less. Worry none.
Me and Lewis have been out for Valentine’s Day today because I was at work late last night and we don’t like changing Lakes routine so Aimee came and looked after Lake while we went out on a classy date of McDonald’s and the cinema. We’re an old fashioned couple (by old fashioned I mean 90’s so maybe more retro) non the less we went to see ‘split’ with James McAvoy and it was incredible. His acting in that was pronominal. Any way if you haven’t heard of it because you live in a cave it’s about a man with multiple personalities and the daily battle with a mental illness that isn’t recognised. It’s such a relatable film for anyone who has ever suffered with mental illness and how hard it is to prove.
We had our McDonald before we went in because me and Lewis suffer from the same phobia – of being hungry. We’re snacks kind of people. We had popcorn, coffee and crispy m&ms in there and then arrived home with a stunning KFC prepped by what can only be described as perfect customer service.
In three years me and Lewis have made it to the cinema twice now, we like films but in our pjs snuggled on the sofa with cheaper snacks and pause breaks for needing a wee. I like that he’s like me. I like that I’m like him. We’re just simple. No money needed just one another’s company.
He’s my man and he’s the best.
I’ve been quite down the last few days and I can’t pin point what it is that’s making me so upset.
I feel like I have lost control over a lot of things recently and no way of getting them back.
I went for a MRI scan last Monday and that’s thrown me off my daily anxiety and switched it up a level. I get my scan results in 2 weeks and I already feel sick about it. I can’t be ill again. How can I? I have Lake, I’ve got to look after her and Lewis. I haven’t got time to be ill or the Funds to be off sick.
Last Monday night on the way home from Sheffield I didn’t even speak to Lewis. I blanked him just like my brain had blanked me. I had been in a state of panic but asleep, a terror but floating. My scan took about a hour but I had to wait 2 hours for it so Lake and Lewis patiently waited for me in the hospital. I can only explain a MRI scan as being in a sensory deprivation tank and being somewhere between asleep and awake, weightless and floating.
I’ve had a cold again and I can’t get rid of it. My nose is blocked and I’ve got congestion pain and a head ache that’s lasted 8 days now.
When will this end
I’ve been left a voice mail from my oncologist at Weston park hospital and to get in touch with him. I’ve just spoken to him and Fuck. I wish I hadn’t.
I was having a alright day.