I’ve had tooth ache now for just short of a week and I’m loosing the will to live. I’ve started to think if I took all my own teeth out with a pair of mouldy tweezers it wouldn’t hurt this much. I’ve got an infection in my gum all down the right side of my face. Even my jaw is hurting down to the bone. I went to bed last night about 9.30pm and the last time I saw the clock it was 4.45am this morning. Sat up crying about the pain and all the things going off in my head.
I’ve got my appointment at Weston park on Thursday and I’m dreading what they are going to say. This is my results from the MRI scan I had a few weeks back. I think every one else can tell there is something wrong to by the way I’ve been acting. I can’t help but push people away and turn myself into isolation, I find it a coping mechanism to stop hurting other people and so I’m not crying all the time. I’m going into the unknown again. I’m going right back into my worst nightmare.
Just to add, I’ve also weighed myself this morning and I’m not happy. 10:12lbs it said I was. Since October I’ve added 12lbs to my weight and it’s making me feel like it’s 12 stone. I need to fall in love with myself again before I go on holiday in may. I want to feel like I can work a bikini not that everyone will think I’ve been harpooned.
Move more, eat less. Worry none.
Me and Lewis have been out for Valentine’s Day today because I was at work late last night and we don’t like changing Lakes routine so Aimee came and looked after Lake while we went out on a classy date of McDonald’s and the cinema. We’re an old fashioned couple (by old fashioned I mean 90’s so maybe more retro) non the less we went to see ‘split’ with James McAvoy and it was incredible. His acting in that was pronominal. Any way if you haven’t heard of it because you live in a cave it’s about a man with multiple personalities and the daily battle with a mental illness that isn’t recognised. It’s such a relatable film for anyone who has ever suffered with mental illness and how hard it is to prove.
We had our McDonald before we went in because me and Lewis suffer from the same phobia – of being hungry. We’re snacks kind of people. We had popcorn, coffee and crispy m&ms in there and then arrived home with a stunning KFC prepped by what can only be described as perfect customer service.
In three years me and Lewis have made it to the cinema twice now, we like films but in our pjs snuggled on the sofa with cheaper snacks and pause breaks for needing a wee. I like that he’s like me. I like that I’m like him. We’re just simple. No money needed just one another’s company.
He’s my man and he’s the best.
I’ve been quite down the last few days and I can’t pin point what it is that’s making me so upset.
I feel like I have lost control over a lot of things recently and no way of getting them back.
I went for a MRI scan last Monday and that’s thrown me off my daily anxiety and switched it up a level. I get my scan results in 2 weeks and I already feel sick about it. I can’t be ill again. How can I? I have Lake, I’ve got to look after her and Lewis. I haven’t got time to be ill or the Funds to be off sick.
Last Monday night on the way home from Sheffield I didn’t even speak to Lewis. I blanked him just like my brain had blanked me. I had been in a state of panic but asleep, a terror but floating. My scan took about a hour but I had to wait 2 hours for it so Lake and Lewis patiently waited for me in the hospital. I can only explain a MRI scan as being in a sensory deprivation tank and being somewhere between asleep and awake, weightless and floating.
I’ve had a cold again and I can’t get rid of it. My nose is blocked and I’ve got congestion pain and a head ache that’s lasted 8 days now.
When will this end