I don’t know what’s happening to me recently. I feel like I’m taking on board fashion like never before. I’ve downloaded drakes album on Spotify and I’ve got a love for the new Zara Lawson blush pink and gold Nike jewels. I’ve never been a trainer fan or even this sports wear as I barely made it to the gym once in this last two years but I’ve been doing some training at home.
It’s so hard to fit training at the gym in with a toddler no nursery time a part time job a boyfriend oh and no car and having to rely on public transport.
I drove the car for the first time in my life this week and I actually enjoyed myself which is something i thought I’d never be able to say because driving to me is the single most scary ass thing I will do in my life. Not child birth, no! Driving. What a massive wimp.
I weighed myself this morning though and I am coming in at 10st 2lbs. Got another half a stone to go and I’ll be somewhere near happy. I’ve just got to focus and keep my eye on the ball and end result.
No more Easter eggs please god damn it.
I’ve been watching thirteen reasons this last week with Lewis when we have got in bed and I must say it’s affected me much more than I thought. I woke up yesterday morning with the thought of the first 8 episodes playing around in my mind about how school was for me and how I related to how Hannah baker felt at the time she was so alone. Never has there been a truer saying than ‘you could be surrounded by people and still be lonely in the middle of a crowd’
I’ve had depression more than half my life and it hit me hard about the age of 14. I couldn’t stick being around my mum, she was enemy number 1 (or so I thought at that time) and I never really had secure friends. I was pretty much a loner throughout my school years starting at reception. I’m the kind of person that knows everyone and everyone knows who I am but nobody actually knew who I was. I floated a lot. In between social groups and links of people in between. I wasn’t the kind of kid that sat at the back of the class on two legs I was more the kind that sat at the front and got paper thrown at her.
I had a couple of friends in my class who I mostly hung out with but that’s another story.
I’ve seen so many patterns in my life that I know what to look out for in future friendships and relationships.
My step sister is now married to my ex boyfriend.
My ex wife is now married to my friend who took me for chemotherapy.
My current friend is now seeing a old flame.
All my childhood I felt like a people pleaser. Like I had to please people to be friends with them. Like I owed them something for me hanging out with them.
A good will gesture if you will.
But you know something? I’d never let any of that change me as a person because I care, I get hurt. But I’d still be hurting if I didn’t care, just in a different way.
I’m not only learning to let go but I’ve learnt forgiveness and peace of mind. And these are what matters to me more than bitter sour memories.
Can’t sleep again. 3.16am and I’ve not been to sleep yet but I’ve been tired since 9.30pm I’ve took all my painkillers including morphine and my antibiotics and still I’m in pain. When will I ever be rid of this tooth ache.
I’ve been laid for 2.5 hours in the dark just waiting for sleep to take over me yet I’m still thinking about what’s coming out of my account and what me and lake can have for lunch, the washing that’s in the machine from tonight that I was to tired to hang out or even put in the tumble dryer.
I’ve heard ever door bang, every car that’s passed the wind whistling through the trees, for the last 10mins I’ve been counting lewis’ tummy rumbling like they are contractions.
To much on my mind as always.
I wish I new how to shut down and stop letting things and people bother me.
I wish I could just stop caring for a while.
I’m watching Annie on Netflix. Lying in bed thinking about 90% of my life that I can’t change obviously and it got me thinking about my childhood (yes, because of the ginger Afro) people referred to me and Annie and I am far from an orphan.
My dad (Nick Bacon) sadly died at the age of 33 from cancer – I’ll go into this story another time but I was 8 when he passed away.
I loved my childhood with my parents but Mostly I remember my dad because I was always made aware my pops was very poorly and sometimes he couldn’t come home with us he was to stay in hospital. So my brain seems to have forgot the memories I have in order to cherish the ones with my dad. Sort of like when you run out of space on your phone and you have to do a rougthless act of deleting the ‘less important’ ones.
He is my ultimate hero and although I had him for such a short time I feel humbled in the love that he showed me in that time. His love in 8 years has been enough to stay with me all this time and will continue throughout my life.
Knowing he isn’t around anymore hasn’t got any easier I have just learnt to adapt more. I’ve learnt to push through it because life still happens. Grief is a terrible thing and it’s saddening to know that it happenes to everyone of us.
If I have learnt anything from it, it’s to love everything you do and you have. Life isn’t about stuff, it’s the people you say hello to in the street, the places you go on holiday that took you a year to save for, it’s in the food you eat. I’m so grateful and I don’t think for one second my pops would be disappointed in me. I’ve got a beautiful home, *clique I actually love my job, my daughter is so much more than I could have ever hoped for, Lewis is still in education just one year to go and our family’s around us. Life is good. Life is more than good.
I am content.