13 reasons why

I’ve been watching thirteen reasons this last week with Lewis when we have got in bed and I must say it’s affected me much more than I thought. I woke up yesterday morning with the thought of the first 8 episodes playing around in my mind about how school was for me and how I related to how Hannah baker felt at the time she was so alone. Never has there been a truer saying than ‘you could be surrounded by people and still be lonely in the middle of a crowd’ 

I’ve had depression more than half my life and it hit me hard about the age of 14. I couldn’t stick being around my mum, she was enemy number 1 (or so I thought at that time) and I never really had secure friends. I was pretty much a loner throughout my school years starting at reception. I’m the kind of person that knows everyone and everyone knows who I am but nobody actually knew who I was. I floated a lot. In between social groups and links of people in between. I wasn’t the kind of kid that sat at the back of the class on two legs I was more the kind that sat at the front and got paper thrown at her.  

I had a couple of friends in my class who I mostly hung out with but that’s another story. 

I’ve seen so many patterns in my life that I know what to look out for in future friendships and relationships. 

My step sister is now married to my ex boyfriend. 

My ex wife is now married to my friend who took me for chemotherapy. 

My current friend is now seeing a old flame.
All my childhood I felt like a people pleaser. Like I had to please people to be friends with them. Like I owed them something for me hanging out with them. 

A good will gesture if you will. 
But you know something? I’d never let any of that change me as a person because I care, I get hurt. But I’d still be hurting if I didn’t care, just in a different way. 
I’m not only learning to let go but I’ve learnt forgiveness and peace of mind. And these are what matters to me more than bitter sour memories. 

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