So today has been ‘my’ day. Lakes at nursery and Lewis is at work and for once I haven’t slept the whole day like I normally do and then in the evening get upset because I’m not tired and I’ve missed a whole day.
I called the salon this morning to see if I could cheekily get into have my hair done because I’ve officially not washed it for a week and I think it’s on it’s way to walking off my own head.
2pm I had my hair washed by a girl who’s nails I do and it was every bit of what I imagined. There’s something about zeta special about the way a hairdresser washes you hair that just makes it feel like magic. I walked out bounding with confidence that my hair actually looks nice after a blow dry.
So I’m shopping, walking in and out of shops and getting excited for Christmas seeing all the new stock come into the stores and I head over the the perfume counter and see a sent I used to wear as a 20 year old child making my way to being an adult and spray a ‘spritz’ across myself to come to the realisation that it’s men’s.
So I’ve got lovely glossy sleek new hair and now all I can smell Is testosterone. Great.
I need to shop walking around with my eyes shut and pay attention to what I’m doing with my life.
today was lakes first day at nursery and she loved it. she didn’t want to come home. I don’t know what that says about her home life but I’m glad she enjoyed her time there.
I dropped her off at 1pm today and collected her at 4 after having my brows done, obviously you have to be selfish with your time. As I was getting off the bus Lewis called to say he was up the road and he had finished a job so we got to collect Lake together. We walked in nursery and looked through the window as she was sat down with all the other children eating her dinner and I felt so proud. I only recall this proud feeling when I gave birth but seeing her there, grown and interacting with children and her having no idea that we could see her filled my heart and made my eyes well up. I was so glad Lewis got to share that with me and see what a incredible human we have.
I cannot lie this has been one hell of a journey and I’m no where close to half way but at times like this its nice to stop and appreciate what you have and how much you have achieved, to save for days when you feel like you have had enough and that you cant go on anymore.
Parenting is the hardest thing you will ever have to do but ill tell you a secret, its totally worth it.
tomorrow is Lakes first time at nursery. I don’t know how I feel about it, one side fills me with dread like any other mother but you hear all these horror stories. on the other side I know this will do her so much good. She is in the middle of what feels like terrible twos (aside from she is 19 months old) she’s hitting, and saying ‘smack’ when she is doing it so is aware of what it is but I cant seem to curb this. I feel like I have tried everything.
Lake is pushing so much right now from throwing tantrums to throwing toys. She boots off when you change her, she boots off when you put her to bed, she boots off getting dressed and surprisingly getting undressed. She screams at the cats and throws her dummy everywhere possible including down the number 54 bus at rush hour, that was the fun thing of today. sometimes its just hard to listen to that whinge voice where she doesn’t even know what she wants.
Don’t get me wrong I love being a parent, being her mom is the best thing in the world and she surprises me everyday with what she picks up she is just going to grow so much at nursery with the other toddlers. Her being a baby didn’t seem to last long.
I’m looking forward to seeing her bloom.
I’ve not blogged in what feels like forever and I really want to put more time and effort into what I’m writing. So I have started and the first move was to buy a laptop and buy a book on blogging and taking some tips from people who I follow on Instagram. All achieved today. god I’m getting good at this making a list and sticking to it stuff.
I downloaded a list app on my iPhone and when I’m lying in bed at night and I have a million things running around in my head that I’m trying not to forget, I make the list on my phone, look at it the next morning and then mark off what I’ve done when I’ve done it.
I shall be a boss mom.
I can do this.
I don’t know what’s happening to me recently. I feel like I’m taking on board fashion like never before. I’ve downloaded drakes album on Spotify and I’ve got a love for the new Zara Lawson blush pink and gold Nike jewels. I’ve never been a trainer fan or even this sports wear as I barely made it to the gym once in this last two years but I’ve been doing some training at home.
It’s so hard to fit training at the gym in with a toddler no nursery time a part time job a boyfriend oh and no car and having to rely on public transport.
I drove the car for the first time in my life this week and I actually enjoyed myself which is something i thought I’d never be able to say because driving to me is the single most scary ass thing I will do in my life. Not child birth, no! Driving. What a massive wimp.
I weighed myself this morning though and I am coming in at 10st 2lbs. Got another half a stone to go and I’ll be somewhere near happy. I’ve just got to focus and keep my eye on the ball and end result.
No more Easter eggs please god damn it.
I’ve been watching thirteen reasons this last week with Lewis when we have got in bed and I must say it’s affected me much more than I thought. I woke up yesterday morning with the thought of the first 8 episodes playing around in my mind about how school was for me and how I related to how Hannah baker felt at the time she was so alone. Never has there been a truer saying than ‘you could be surrounded by people and still be lonely in the middle of a crowd’
I’ve had depression more than half my life and it hit me hard about the age of 14. I couldn’t stick being around my mum, she was enemy number 1 (or so I thought at that time) and I never really had secure friends. I was pretty much a loner throughout my school years starting at reception. I’m the kind of person that knows everyone and everyone knows who I am but nobody actually knew who I was. I floated a lot. In between social groups and links of people in between. I wasn’t the kind of kid that sat at the back of the class on two legs I was more the kind that sat at the front and got paper thrown at her.
I had a couple of friends in my class who I mostly hung out with but that’s another story.
I’ve seen so many patterns in my life that I know what to look out for in future friendships and relationships.
My step sister is now married to my ex boyfriend.
My ex wife is now married to my friend who took me for chemotherapy.
My current friend is now seeing a old flame.
All my childhood I felt like a people pleaser. Like I had to please people to be friends with them. Like I owed them something for me hanging out with them.
A good will gesture if you will.
But you know something? I’d never let any of that change me as a person because I care, I get hurt. But I’d still be hurting if I didn’t care, just in a different way.
I’m not only learning to let go but I’ve learnt forgiveness and peace of mind. And these are what matters to me more than bitter sour memories.
Can’t sleep again. 3.16am and I’ve not been to sleep yet but I’ve been tired since 9.30pm I’ve took all my painkillers including morphine and my antibiotics and still I’m in pain. When will I ever be rid of this tooth ache.
I’ve been laid for 2.5 hours in the dark just waiting for sleep to take over me yet I’m still thinking about what’s coming out of my account and what me and lake can have for lunch, the washing that’s in the machine from tonight that I was to tired to hang out or even put in the tumble dryer.
I’ve heard ever door bang, every car that’s passed the wind whistling through the trees, for the last 10mins I’ve been counting lewis’ tummy rumbling like they are contractions.
To much on my mind as always.
I wish I new how to shut down and stop letting things and people bother me.
I wish I could just stop caring for a while.
I’m watching Annie on Netflix. Lying in bed thinking about 90% of my life that I can’t change obviously and it got me thinking about my childhood (yes, because of the ginger Afro) people referred to me and Annie and I am far from an orphan.
My dad (Nick Bacon) sadly died at the age of 33 from cancer – I’ll go into this story another time but I was 8 when he passed away.
I loved my childhood with my parents but Mostly I remember my dad because I was always made aware my pops was very poorly and sometimes he couldn’t come home with us he was to stay in hospital. So my brain seems to have forgot the memories I have in order to cherish the ones with my dad. Sort of like when you run out of space on your phone and you have to do a rougthless act of deleting the ‘less important’ ones.
He is my ultimate hero and although I had him for such a short time I feel humbled in the love that he showed me in that time. His love in 8 years has been enough to stay with me all this time and will continue throughout my life.
Knowing he isn’t around anymore hasn’t got any easier I have just learnt to adapt more. I’ve learnt to push through it because life still happens. Grief is a terrible thing and it’s saddening to know that it happenes to everyone of us.
If I have learnt anything from it, it’s to love everything you do and you have. Life isn’t about stuff, it’s the people you say hello to in the street, the places you go on holiday that took you a year to save for, it’s in the food you eat. I’m so grateful and I don’t think for one second my pops would be disappointed in me. I’ve got a beautiful home, *clique I actually love my job, my daughter is so much more than I could have ever hoped for, Lewis is still in education just one year to go and our family’s around us. Life is good. Life is more than good.
I am content.
I hate being an over thinker. I over think every single situation that goes on, in my life and it’s exhausting. I’m currently thinking about one situation and I’m playing it back and forth, two and fro and when I feel like I’m getting somewhere another thought springs up like a icon with a stupidly annoying alert that you always forget to change like ‘oh hey you forgot me! I’m a different scenario to put a spanner in the works and make you over think about a possible new accurace and get a different outcome but really you’ll end up in the same place’
My brain irritates me. I have no kill switch. Nothing that makes me so relaxed I fall to sleep.
The great life of someone with fatigue, chronic illness, anxiety and insomnia.
And now another cold.
This time last week I was at a baby shower shovelling my face with cake and cups of tea and now we’re all in the house in separate rooms.
Lake is having a nap that I’m sure because I’m writing this now she will wake up and scream until I go and get her.
Lewis is in bed, poorly sick and close to dying ….
So this was as far as I got before she woke up and Lewis started doing a man moan to call me upstairs. It was so sunny yesterday when they were having they’re mid afternoon nap I brewed myself a Costa coffee in my favourite mug grabbed a cigarette and took myself to the bottom of our garden on the pebbles and sat. Not on a chair or wall, just me, no phone no book just sat and watched all the little things function from the ants to the birds. How the slight breeze moved the trees and felt grateful for what I have and how special it is.
I had a bath that evening and shaved my legs. Yes you read that correctly. I actually shaved my legs for what must be the first time in 2.5 months and I feel like I’ve got skinny legs again.