I’m wide awake after just getting up with Lake. She was in a bit of a flap because she couldn’t find her donkey (a jelly cat called donkel) I’m now back in bed watching her on the monitor soothe herself back to sleep and rub his ear next to her face. She’s had a the same nasty cold I have had this last week and although she’s over the worst of it I can’t help but feel for her when I hear her coughing herself awake. I’m looking forward to getting her a big bed at Christmas so I can climb in with her and cuddle her until she falls back to sleep. It’s so hard with her still being in a cot because if she falls asleep on me I can’t lift her back in bed.

I look at her and I feel my heart expand with happiness and sadness all at the same time. I’m so happy but sad she will grow and fly the nest. Sometimes I wish she could just stay my little baby for a little while longer. I’m getting all emotional thinking about her 2nd birthday and how it’s weeks away and how I felt this time 1 year ago when she turned 1.

She’s more than I ever expected, she’s shaped me in a way I thought no person could and she’s fixed wounds I never thought would heal.

She’s not just a child.

She’s my child and I’m so proud.


Days at home

Me and Lake got up about brunch time today just because we could. When she wakes she’s happy to just play in her cot until I wake up (unless her nappy is bulging or she’s ready for her toast) in which case she repeatedly shouts me until I go in her room. I don’t even have time to pee first.

She’s had her dummy (Diddy as she calls it) a lot less today because I’ve noticed she’s tried to talk with it in and that’s a pet hate of mine so she has to take it out or stay quiet for bed times. We played games, did the washing, read some books and had snuggles on the sofa.

Today we didn’t do much but we managed to love one another all day and not fall out and that’s good enough for me. I felt like I missed her this week because I haven’t had much one on one time with her but today made up for that and it shows me how far I’ve come in a year.

Halloween is over now and I can feel my Christmas spirit rising within me. Lake will be two on December 23rd and she’s having a party and I’m so excited to see her little face.

Days like today I like to sit back and look at what a beautiful little human me and Lewis are raising and how proud I am of her and us for taking this challenge together.

Nursery Day

today was lakes first day at nursery and she loved it. she didn’t want to come home. I don’t know what that says about her home life but I’m glad she enjoyed her time there.

I dropped her off at 1pm today and collected her at 4 after having my brows done, obviously you have to be selfish with your time. As I was getting off the bus Lewis called to say he was up the road and he had finished a job so we got to collect Lake together. We walked in nursery and looked through the window as she was sat down with all the other children eating her dinner and I felt so proud. I only recall this proud feeling when I gave birth but seeing her there, grown and interacting with children and her having no idea that we could see her filled my heart and made my eyes well up. I was so glad Lewis got to share that with me and see what a incredible human we have.

I cannot lie this has been one hell of a journey and I’m no where close to half way but at times like this its nice to stop and appreciate what you have and how much you have achieved, to save for days when you feel like you have had enough and that you cant go on anymore.

Parenting is the hardest thing you will ever have to do but ill tell you a secret, its totally worth it.

the day before

tomorrow is Lakes first time at nursery. I don’t know how I feel about it, one side fills me with dread like any other mother but you hear all these horror stories. on the other side I know this will do her so much good. She is in the middle of what feels like terrible twos (aside from she is 19 months old) she’s hitting, and saying ‘smack’ when she is doing it so is aware of what it is but I cant seem to curb this. I feel like I have tried everything.

Lake is pushing so much right now from throwing tantrums to throwing toys. She boots off when you change her, she boots off when you put her to bed, she boots off getting dressed and surprisingly getting undressed. She screams at the cats and throws her dummy everywhere possible including down the number 54 bus at rush hour, that was the fun thing of today. sometimes its just hard to listen to that whinge voice where she doesn’t even know what she wants.

Don’t get me wrong I love being a parent, being her mom is the best thing in the world and she surprises me everyday with what she picks up she is just going to grow so much at nursery with the other toddlers. Her being a baby didn’t seem to last long.

I’m looking forward to seeing her bloom.

What’s happening??

I don’t know what’s happening to me recently. I feel like I’m taking on board fashion like never before. I’ve downloaded drakes album on Spotify and I’ve got a love for the new Zara Lawson blush pink and gold Nike jewels. I’ve never been a trainer fan or even this sports wear as I barely made it to the gym once in this last two years but I’ve been doing some training at home. 

It’s so hard to fit training at the gym in with a toddler no nursery time a part time job a boyfriend oh and no car and having to rely on public transport. 

I drove the car for the first time in my life this week and I actually enjoyed myself which is something i thought I’d never be able to say because driving to me is the single most scary ass thing I will do in my life. Not child birth, no! Driving. What a massive wimp. 

I weighed myself this morning though and I am coming in at 10st 2lbs. Got another half a stone to go and I’ll be somewhere near happy. I’ve just got to focus and keep my eye on the ball and end result. 

No more Easter eggs please god damn it. 

I’m looking forward

Things are pretty smitten right now, I’ve got paid and I’ve been to IKEA to actually order our new bed and mattress as I’m so tired of sleeping on the floor (pardon the pun) I’ve ordered our new Laura Ashley wallpaper and that’s on its way to us, I’ve sorted most things for Lakes room I’ve just got to make a start on it.
Everything’s going good at work, I’m still super busy even in January. The month of doom. The rest of the house is coming together with bits of furniture I keep picking up and it’s so much better than our old house even though I’m still gutted I no longer live there.
Lakes behaviour is on point. She’s learning how to walk (we’re not there yet but she’ll walk with you and pushing her baby’s pram) she’s the funniest little human I know. All her little qwerks and funny little routines she has. She’s eating everything I give her still, aside from cauliflower – we’re not a lover of that. She has a slice of toast for breakfast and some water and feeds herself. I’m so proud of her, we have no tantrums aside from nappy changing 40% of the time. She slept right through last night, I know this because I was awake most of it with the worst stuffy nose ever. Still got this vile cold and bad chest but I guess we can’t have it all.
I’ve sorted Lewis’ present out for his birthday and we’re going on holiday. Yes, just me and him and we’re going to alcudia to lay on a beach and do nothing for 5 days. Don’t worry though Lake won’t miss out, she’s going on her own holiday to the seaside with Sarana and Tiffany. I just hope it’s nice weather for them so they can play on the beach. She loves sand and she should be walking then.
I’m in a good place right now and I’m totally soaking it up.

2 whole years

I’m in the car on the way to Scotland. We’re part of the Juke club so we get waved at on the motorway which can always get a little exciting when traveling on boring roads. So far we have had three pit stops due to mini shitting herself and smelling the car out and Lewis having the smallest bladder in the history of 24 year old males. We celebrated our 2 year anniversary on Tuesday by having a take away, attempting to sleep train lake and packing boxes to move out. Needless to say its been a stressful week.
I got spoilt by Lewis this time. He’s bought me a gorgeous coat from topshop with a faux fur hood in a size 10 – I’m just gonna leave that there. The size 10 remark with the fact I don’t have to squeeze to get in it. It’s been a while since I bought a size 10. Several years in fact. Maybe even when I was at school. A bottle of champagne, a new stacker ring, lush stuff and I even got flowers delivered to work by the man himself. Forever a charmer is Mr Neeve.
Phil Collins in blaring out of our speakers as we travel through the beautiful Peak District and the south of Scotland and it’s taking me back to being a child sat in the back of my dads rover and him drumming away on the steering wheel singing to me through the rear view mirror. Phil Collins’ voice always reminds me of him. Lisa bought me the full collection 3 Christmas’ a go. Best present ever!
This last week has been mental trying to move. I thought renting was supposed to be less hassle than buying but seems I need the same proofs. Packing things up in our current house has been awful with Lewis working full time. I’ve had a 10 month old to entertain and feed while packing up our whole house that is so damp i have to scrub it before I box it and will have to do that for unpacking it to. This house for me has defiantly come at the right time.

Lakes learned to scream. I’m going to murder her.

Joke. Maybe.

My mother normally has Lake on a Tuesday. I get a bit of a break to get my nails done or catch up on house work or have a nap which has turned into a bit of a routine. Today however she has been busy looking after my nana Ainger as she’s been in a pickle with her memory. So I did my usual thing but took the massive leap to take Lake to Meadowhall with me. Why on earth would I think that would be a good idea.
I was in the parent and baby room having a wee myself and changing Lake, I wore jeans and I always put my phone in the right back pocket incase Lewis rings me. I pulled my jeans down to take a wee and in a flash I moved quick to catch my phone before it disappeared down into a shitty world and grabbed my phone and placed it on the soap dispenser next to me. I continued walking around the shops and taking a few items back I had bought for Lewis the week before. I needed a drink (as always) and I find it hard to push with one hand and hold a drink in the other so I went into mother care (top floor) in the slowest lift possible and looked for a universal cup holder id seen on eBay a few nights ago. The lovely lady who was working on that department came over to help me and fitted one to my cossatto frame and her phone rang. She looked at me and said ‘is that your phone?’ As she reached for hers I felt my back pocket and nothing was there.
Not even a second passed and I’d entered frantic mom moment. Emptied all my bags, handbag, changing bag all over the shop floor and then I thought ‘I don’t remember using it after the toilet’ the woman told me to rush to see if it was still there and said she would watch Lake, ‘ do you mind? For just a few moments? She won’t cry and I’m sorry I don’t normally leave my child with strangers’
15 minutes later I still have no phone and I’m sweating like I’ve been on a treadmill for days. I’ve now started crying and still marching through Meadowhall I went to reception to see if it had been handed in. The woman was calm and quite old with a washed out perm and a blue black box colour rinse. She explained she would keep ringing it for me while I calmed down. She spoke to a woman and said we would collect it from nandos. The relief passed through me and I burst out crying knowing I will have all my pictures back.
The woman came out of the restaurant to meet us and handed me my phone and smiled so I grabbed hold of her and gave her a massive hug while crying on her shoulder telling her how grateful I was.

Lessons of the day learnt.

1. Don’t leave your phone anywhere.
2. Back up all phones photos and videos.
And 3. When I originally went into the toilet I went out of my way to help a lady through the door with her pushchair and shopping.
This is the lady who saved my phone.

Good karma.