I smell like young testosterone

So today has been ‘my’ day. Lakes at nursery and Lewis is at work and for once I haven’t slept the whole day like I normally do and then in the evening get upset because I’m not tired and I’ve missed a whole day.

I called the salon this morning to see if I could cheekily get into have my hair done because I’ve officially not washed it for a week and I think it’s on it’s way to walking off my own head.

2pm I had my hair washed by a girl who’s nails I do and it was every bit of what I imagined. There’s something about zeta special about the way a hairdresser washes you hair that just makes it feel like magic. I walked out bounding with confidence that my hair actually looks nice after a blow dry.

So I’m shopping, walking in and out of shops and getting excited for Christmas seeing all the new stock come into the stores and I head over the the perfume counter and see a sent I used to wear as a 20 year old child making my way to being an adult and spray a ‘spritz’ across myself to come to the realisation that it’s men’s.

So I’ve got lovely glossy sleek new hair and now all I can smell Is testosterone. Great.

I need to shop walking around with my eyes shut and pay attention to what I’m doing with my life.


Over 24 hours 

This time last week I was at a baby shower shovelling my face with cake and cups of tea and now we’re all in the house in separate rooms. 

Lake is having a nap that I’m sure because I’m writing this now she will wake up and scream until I go and get her. 

Lewis is in bed, poorly sick and close to dying …. 
So this was as far as I got before she woke up and Lewis started doing a man moan to call me upstairs. It was so sunny yesterday when they were having they’re mid afternoon nap I brewed myself a Costa coffee in my favourite mug grabbed a cigarette and took myself to the bottom of our garden on the pebbles and sat. Not on a chair or wall, just me, no phone no book just sat and watched all the little things function from the ants to the birds. How the slight breeze moved the trees and felt grateful for what I have and how special it is.  

I had a bath that evening and shaved my legs. Yes you read that correctly. I actually shaved my legs for what must be the first time in 2.5 months and I feel like I’ve got skinny legs again. 

Chesterfield Royal Hospital has lost my vote

I’m not one to complain about the NHS I’ve never really had a cause to complain, I’ve always been treated brilliantly but this last 6 days in Chesterfield Royal Hospital has proven the most difficult out of all my stays in hospital (and there’s been a few)

I don’t even know where to start on the stuff I have experienced since being here but it took the staff 15 hours to take out my cannula from one arm and replace it in the other. Yes this is over two staff shifts and all I got in return when I repeatedly asked about it was ‘this isn’t on our shift now, its handover so the night staff will take it out’

7.30am on Saturday morning I woke up with pins and needles in my left arm. My cannula was in the wrist of my left arm. I experienced a very similar sensation a few years ago in the same arm when I had a PICC line in and I had a bad infection in it. This is one of the most painful experience’s I had during my many months of chemotherapy (the second time) so this is a familiar feeling to me and not one I wish to have again. I pressed my buzzer for the nurse to come and I explained how this was making me feel uneasy and that I needed it removing and putting in my right arm. The nurse on duty said she would get someone to do that for me right away as she could only take it out and wasn’t trained to put it back in. I agreed to waiting until a qualified nurse was available to do both in the same transaction as I have been throwing up blood which was something that got me admitted. My stomach hasn’t been right for over a week now and I didn’t feel comfortable taking tablets as they wasn’t in my stomach long enough to take effect so the best method was to have everything via IV. I buzzed the nurses several times throughout the day asking for painkillers and anti sickness because they never asked me if I would like to self medicate (which is something I do at home so I can do that there)

7.30pm the same cannula is still in my left arm and hasn’t been changed over to my right yet. I called for a nurse again to see if the trained nurse could do this for me and as the nurse replied ‘we are currently on handover so as soon as someone is available we will b e with you right away’ so I waited, and waited a little longer by this point its 9.30pm I pressed my nurse buzzer again for someone to come as my patients was starting to wear thin as my pins and needles has now turned into a numb feeling (like when you wake up in the morning and you have been asleep on your arm and you can move it but it sort of doesn’t feel like it belongs to you anymore)  I again, explained this to the nurse who very sharply replied ‘ I’m sorry this has taken so long to get to you but it is Saturday night and we are very busy and have just had a lot of very ill patients arrive who need our help and this is a case of prioritising and you are not at the top of this list’

I actually couldn’t believe what had just come out of her mouth! I am fully aware of other patients and prioritising work loads but I have been asking now for nearly 15 hours. The last members of staff on have kindly left this to you on your shift so this is now your problem and I need this sorting. she walked out in a bit of a huff which I didn’t appreciate as I am not here for a holiday, I have cancer and getting an infection like that while my white blood cells are low could kill me. MY priority is getting better so I can go back to work and look after and feed my 10 month old child.

NHS this is disgusting and is not acceptable. I have been in and out of hospitals in the last 6 years across Derbyshire, South Yorkshire and London and I have never felt so belittled and appalled by the staff and there protocol. I put this down to shortage of qualified staff members and I am always the first to stick up for our nurses and NHS staff  but on this occasion I cannot see why this took so long to sort out.


Disgusted with Chesterfield Royal Hospital and I shall do my up most in the future to stay well clear of it.  I hope the new McMillan cancer centre currently being built isn’t going to be staffed and run this way.


I am a person not a number.