I’ve not blogged in what feels like forever and I really want to put more time and effort into what I’m writing. So I have started and the first move was to buy a laptop and buy a book on blogging and taking some tips from people who I follow on Instagram. All achieved today. god I’m getting good at this making a list and sticking to it stuff.
I downloaded a list app on my iPhone and when I’m lying in bed at night and I have a million things running around in my head that I’m trying not to forget, I make the list on my phone, look at it the next morning and then mark off what I’ve done when I’ve done it.
I shall be a boss mom.
I can do this.
I’ve been watching thirteen reasons this last week with Lewis when we have got in bed and I must say it’s affected me much more than I thought. I woke up yesterday morning with the thought of the first 8 episodes playing around in my mind about how school was for me and how I related to how Hannah baker felt at the time she was so alone. Never has there been a truer saying than ‘you could be surrounded by people and still be lonely in the middle of a crowd’
I’ve had depression more than half my life and it hit me hard about the age of 14. I couldn’t stick being around my mum, she was enemy number 1 (or so I thought at that time) and I never really had secure friends. I was pretty much a loner throughout my school years starting at reception. I’m the kind of person that knows everyone and everyone knows who I am but nobody actually knew who I was. I floated a lot. In between social groups and links of people in between. I wasn’t the kind of kid that sat at the back of the class on two legs I was more the kind that sat at the front and got paper thrown at her.
I had a couple of friends in my class who I mostly hung out with but that’s another story.
I’ve seen so many patterns in my life that I know what to look out for in future friendships and relationships.
My step sister is now married to my ex boyfriend.
My ex wife is now married to my friend who took me for chemotherapy.
My current friend is now seeing a old flame.
All my childhood I felt like a people pleaser. Like I had to please people to be friends with them. Like I owed them something for me hanging out with them.
A good will gesture if you will.
But you know something? I’d never let any of that change me as a person because I care, I get hurt. But I’d still be hurting if I didn’t care, just in a different way.
I’m not only learning to let go but I’ve learnt forgiveness and peace of mind. And these are what matters to me more than bitter sour memories.
Can’t sleep again. 3.16am and I’ve not been to sleep yet but I’ve been tired since 9.30pm I’ve took all my painkillers including morphine and my antibiotics and still I’m in pain. When will I ever be rid of this tooth ache.
I’ve been laid for 2.5 hours in the dark just waiting for sleep to take over me yet I’m still thinking about what’s coming out of my account and what me and lake can have for lunch, the washing that’s in the machine from tonight that I was to tired to hang out or even put in the tumble dryer.
I’ve heard ever door bang, every car that’s passed the wind whistling through the trees, for the last 10mins I’ve been counting lewis’ tummy rumbling like they are contractions.
To much on my mind as always.
I wish I new how to shut down and stop letting things and people bother me.
I wish I could just stop caring for a while.
I’m watching Annie on Netflix. Lying in bed thinking about 90% of my life that I can’t change obviously and it got me thinking about my childhood (yes, because of the ginger Afro) people referred to me and Annie and I am far from an orphan.
My dad (Nick Bacon) sadly died at the age of 33 from cancer – I’ll go into this story another time but I was 8 when he passed away.
I loved my childhood with my parents but Mostly I remember my dad because I was always made aware my pops was very poorly and sometimes he couldn’t come home with us he was to stay in hospital. So my brain seems to have forgot the memories I have in order to cherish the ones with my dad. Sort of like when you run out of space on your phone and you have to do a rougthless act of deleting the ‘less important’ ones.
He is my ultimate hero and although I had him for such a short time I feel humbled in the love that he showed me in that time. His love in 8 years has been enough to stay with me all this time and will continue throughout my life.
Knowing he isn’t around anymore hasn’t got any easier I have just learnt to adapt more. I’ve learnt to push through it because life still happens. Grief is a terrible thing and it’s saddening to know that it happenes to everyone of us.
If I have learnt anything from it, it’s to love everything you do and you have. Life isn’t about stuff, it’s the people you say hello to in the street, the places you go on holiday that took you a year to save for, it’s in the food you eat. I’m so grateful and I don’t think for one second my pops would be disappointed in me. I’ve got a beautiful home, *clique I actually love my job, my daughter is so much more than I could have ever hoped for, Lewis is still in education just one year to go and our family’s around us. Life is good. Life is more than good.
I am content.
I hate being an over thinker. I over think every single situation that goes on, in my life and it’s exhausting. I’m currently thinking about one situation and I’m playing it back and forth, two and fro and when I feel like I’m getting somewhere another thought springs up like a icon with a stupidly annoying alert that you always forget to change like ‘oh hey you forgot me! I’m a different scenario to put a spanner in the works and make you over think about a possible new accurace and get a different outcome but really you’ll end up in the same place’
My brain irritates me. I have no kill switch. Nothing that makes me so relaxed I fall to sleep.
The great life of someone with fatigue, chronic illness, anxiety and insomnia.
And now another cold.
I’ve had tooth ache now for just short of a week and I’m loosing the will to live. I’ve started to think if I took all my own teeth out with a pair of mouldy tweezers it wouldn’t hurt this much. I’ve got an infection in my gum all down the right side of my face. Even my jaw is hurting down to the bone. I went to bed last night about 9.30pm and the last time I saw the clock it was 4.45am this morning. Sat up crying about the pain and all the things going off in my head.
I’ve got my appointment at Weston park on Thursday and I’m dreading what they are going to say. This is my results from the MRI scan I had a few weeks back. I think every one else can tell there is something wrong to by the way I’ve been acting. I can’t help but push people away and turn myself into isolation, I find it a coping mechanism to stop hurting other people and so I’m not crying all the time. I’m going into the unknown again. I’m going right back into my worst nightmare.
Just to add, I’ve also weighed myself this morning and I’m not happy. 10:12lbs it said I was. Since October I’ve added 12lbs to my weight and it’s making me feel like it’s 12 stone. I need to fall in love with myself again before I go on holiday in may. I want to feel like I can work a bikini not that everyone will think I’ve been harpooned.
Move more, eat less. Worry none.
Me and Lewis have been out for Valentine’s Day today because I was at work late last night and we don’t like changing Lakes routine so Aimee came and looked after Lake while we went out on a classy date of McDonald’s and the cinema. We’re an old fashioned couple (by old fashioned I mean 90’s so maybe more retro) non the less we went to see ‘split’ with James McAvoy and it was incredible. His acting in that was pronominal. Any way if you haven’t heard of it because you live in a cave it’s about a man with multiple personalities and the daily battle with a mental illness that isn’t recognised. It’s such a relatable film for anyone who has ever suffered with mental illness and how hard it is to prove.
We had our McDonald before we went in because me and Lewis suffer from the same phobia – of being hungry. We’re snacks kind of people. We had popcorn, coffee and crispy m&ms in there and then arrived home with a stunning KFC prepped by what can only be described as perfect customer service.
In three years me and Lewis have made it to the cinema twice now, we like films but in our pjs snuggled on the sofa with cheaper snacks and pause breaks for needing a wee. I like that he’s like me. I like that I’m like him. We’re just simple. No money needed just one another’s company.
He’s my man and he’s the best.
I’m still awake. I’m shattered but here I am in the living room after going to bed at 10.30pm.
I’ve got a million and one things going off in my head as usual – most of it are things that will never happen but my anxiety likes keeping me awake thinking of all the things I can’t change.
I want to learn how to let go. I feel like I’m holding on to something and its burdening me.
*takes a deep breath in and out
I’ve got a terrible cold yet again. I’ve got snot bubbles on my face a constant vile sniffing nose that can only be described as a mating call. I have puffy eyes that are red and look like I’ve been on a bender for 3 nights. I’m breathing out of my mouth so not only does that make me look retarded I’ve got the worst dry mouth and my breath probably smells but I wouldn’t know about that because I can’t even smell my new Yankee candle that I have. One disappointed human today.
I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself because I have this cold. Feel like the world is against me today.
So I was naughty,
I had a KFC!
Diane at slimming world is NOT going to be happy.
I’m high as a kite on morphine, just had to take some before bed because of pain in my back and shoulder (diverted pain from my primary cancer) and now I’m laying in bed Lewis is fast asleep next to me Lake is well into slumber in her own room. I’m laid here itching like mad and watching wolf on Wall Street and I’m starting to feel like he does when he is driving his car home from the hotel.
What a strange place to be in. It feels so lovely.
I’m in a safe place.
I’m High on life. And really strong pain killers
Ps I want my cats to come and pad out on me and nuff my face – there no where to be found.
My mind has been so fickle recently, moving from one thought to another. Over powering emotions and deep lows.
I don’t know what to do to keep motivated. I have a list of things to do as long as my arm and start at task number one do a bit and then swap jobs so before you know it I’ve done half a job but over 5 different jobs. So I look like I’ve done nothing with my day. In all honesty I’ve become a bit of a recluse. My home is my comfort blanket. I miss my home when I’m away.
Me, Lewis and some friends go away in October for four days and I’m leaving Lake with my mum. I’m already fretting about it. It’s approximately a month and a half away and I can feel the anxiety in my chest start to bubble every time I think about it. I’m scared because I can’t jump in the car and go to her. She will be more than fine. I am a lucky mother, my child isn’t Mardy. She will go to you, she won’t cry, she won’t just sit and stare at you like ‘who the hell are you’ she just thinks you’re her new toy haha. It’s me I’m worried about. Lake has a beautiful relationship with my mother. It’s so wonderful to watch.
I’ve missed my mum, she’s been gone to long.
Welcome back into my life, and i couldn’t be happier.
I love you mother