I hate being an over thinker. I over think every single situation that goes on, in my life and it’s exhausting. I’m currently thinking about one situation and I’m playing it back and forth, two and fro and when I feel like I’m getting somewhere another thought springs up like a icon with a stupidly annoying alert that you always forget to change like ‘oh hey you forgot me! I’m a different scenario to put a spanner in the works and make you over think about a possible new accurace and get a different outcome but really you’ll end up in the same place’
My brain irritates me. I have no kill switch. Nothing that makes me so relaxed I fall to sleep.
The great life of someone with fatigue, chronic illness, anxiety and insomnia.
And now another cold.
This time last week I was at a baby shower shovelling my face with cake and cups of tea and now we’re all in the house in separate rooms.
Lake is having a nap that I’m sure because I’m writing this now she will wake up and scream until I go and get her.
Lewis is in bed, poorly sick and close to dying ….
So this was as far as I got before she woke up and Lewis started doing a man moan to call me upstairs. It was so sunny yesterday when they were having they’re mid afternoon nap I brewed myself a Costa coffee in my favourite mug grabbed a cigarette and took myself to the bottom of our garden on the pebbles and sat. Not on a chair or wall, just me, no phone no book just sat and watched all the little things function from the ants to the birds. How the slight breeze moved the trees and felt grateful for what I have and how special it is.
I had a bath that evening and shaved my legs. Yes you read that correctly. I actually shaved my legs for what must be the first time in 2.5 months and I feel like I’ve got skinny legs again.
I’ve had tooth ache now for just short of a week and I’m loosing the will to live. I’ve started to think if I took all my own teeth out with a pair of mouldy tweezers it wouldn’t hurt this much. I’ve got an infection in my gum all down the right side of my face. Even my jaw is hurting down to the bone. I went to bed last night about 9.30pm and the last time I saw the clock it was 4.45am this morning. Sat up crying about the pain and all the things going off in my head.
I’ve got my appointment at Weston park on Thursday and I’m dreading what they are going to say. This is my results from the MRI scan I had a few weeks back. I think every one else can tell there is something wrong to by the way I’ve been acting. I can’t help but push people away and turn myself into isolation, I find it a coping mechanism to stop hurting other people and so I’m not crying all the time. I’m going into the unknown again. I’m going right back into my worst nightmare.
Just to add, I’ve also weighed myself this morning and I’m not happy. 10:12lbs it said I was. Since October I’ve added 12lbs to my weight and it’s making me feel like it’s 12 stone. I need to fall in love with myself again before I go on holiday in may. I want to feel like I can work a bikini not that everyone will think I’ve been harpooned.
Move more, eat less. Worry none.
Me and Lewis have been out for Valentine’s Day today because I was at work late last night and we don’t like changing Lakes routine so Aimee came and looked after Lake while we went out on a classy date of McDonald’s and the cinema. We’re an old fashioned couple (by old fashioned I mean 90’s so maybe more retro) non the less we went to see ‘split’ with James McAvoy and it was incredible. His acting in that was pronominal. Any way if you haven’t heard of it because you live in a cave it’s about a man with multiple personalities and the daily battle with a mental illness that isn’t recognised. It’s such a relatable film for anyone who has ever suffered with mental illness and how hard it is to prove.
We had our McDonald before we went in because me and Lewis suffer from the same phobia – of being hungry. We’re snacks kind of people. We had popcorn, coffee and crispy m&ms in there and then arrived home with a stunning KFC prepped by what can only be described as perfect customer service.
In three years me and Lewis have made it to the cinema twice now, we like films but in our pjs snuggled on the sofa with cheaper snacks and pause breaks for needing a wee. I like that he’s like me. I like that I’m like him. We’re just simple. No money needed just one another’s company.
He’s my man and he’s the best.
I’ve been quite down the last few days and I can’t pin point what it is that’s making me so upset.
I feel like I have lost control over a lot of things recently and no way of getting them back.
I went for a MRI scan last Monday and that’s thrown me off my daily anxiety and switched it up a level. I get my scan results in 2 weeks and I already feel sick about it. I can’t be ill again. How can I? I have Lake, I’ve got to look after her and Lewis. I haven’t got time to be ill or the Funds to be off sick.
Last Monday night on the way home from Sheffield I didn’t even speak to Lewis. I blanked him just like my brain had blanked me. I had been in a state of panic but asleep, a terror but floating. My scan took about a hour but I had to wait 2 hours for it so Lake and Lewis patiently waited for me in the hospital. I can only explain a MRI scan as being in a sensory deprivation tank and being somewhere between asleep and awake, weightless and floating.
I’ve had a cold again and I can’t get rid of it. My nose is blocked and I’ve got congestion pain and a head ache that’s lasted 8 days now.
When will this end
I’ve been left a voice mail from my oncologist at Weston park hospital and to get in touch with him. I’ve just spoken to him and Fuck. I wish I hadn’t.
I was having a alright day.
Things are pretty smitten right now, I’ve got paid and I’ve been to IKEA to actually order our new bed and mattress as I’m so tired of sleeping on the floor (pardon the pun) I’ve ordered our new Laura Ashley wallpaper and that’s on its way to us, I’ve sorted most things for Lakes room I’ve just got to make a start on it.
Everything’s going good at work, I’m still super busy even in January. The month of doom. The rest of the house is coming together with bits of furniture I keep picking up and it’s so much better than our old house even though I’m still gutted I no longer live there.
Lakes behaviour is on point. She’s learning how to walk (we’re not there yet but she’ll walk with you and pushing her baby’s pram) she’s the funniest little human I know. All her little qwerks and funny little routines she has. She’s eating everything I give her still, aside from cauliflower – we’re not a lover of that. She has a slice of toast for breakfast and some water and feeds herself. I’m so proud of her, we have no tantrums aside from nappy changing 40% of the time. She slept right through last night, I know this because I was awake most of it with the worst stuffy nose ever. Still got this vile cold and bad chest but I guess we can’t have it all.
I’ve sorted Lewis’ present out for his birthday and we’re going on holiday. Yes, just me and him and we’re going to alcudia to lay on a beach and do nothing for 5 days. Don’t worry though Lake won’t miss out, she’s going on her own holiday to the seaside with Sarana and Tiffany. I just hope it’s nice weather for them so they can play on the beach. She loves sand and she should be walking then.
I’m in a good place right now and I’m totally soaking it up.
I’m not one to complain about the NHS I’ve never really had a cause to complain, I’ve always been treated brilliantly but this last 6 days in Chesterfield Royal Hospital has proven the most difficult out of all my stays in hospital (and there’s been a few)
I don’t even know where to start on the stuff I have experienced since being here but it took the staff 15 hours to take out my cannula from one arm and replace it in the other. Yes this is over two staff shifts and all I got in return when I repeatedly asked about it was ‘this isn’t on our shift now, its handover so the night staff will take it out’
7.30am on Saturday morning I woke up with pins and needles in my left arm. My cannula was in the wrist of my left arm. I experienced a very similar sensation a few years ago in the same arm when I had a PICC line in and I had a bad infection in it. This is one of the most painful experience’s I had during my many months of chemotherapy (the second time) so this is a familiar feeling to me and not one I wish to have again. I pressed my buzzer for the nurse to come and I explained how this was making me feel uneasy and that I needed it removing and putting in my right arm. The nurse on duty said she would get someone to do that for me right away as she could only take it out and wasn’t trained to put it back in. I agreed to waiting until a qualified nurse was available to do both in the same transaction as I have been throwing up blood which was something that got me admitted. My stomach hasn’t been right for over a week now and I didn’t feel comfortable taking tablets as they wasn’t in my stomach long enough to take effect so the best method was to have everything via IV. I buzzed the nurses several times throughout the day asking for painkillers and anti sickness because they never asked me if I would like to self medicate (which is something I do at home so I can do that there)
7.30pm the same cannula is still in my left arm and hasn’t been changed over to my right yet. I called for a nurse again to see if the trained nurse could do this for me and as the nurse replied ‘we are currently on handover so as soon as someone is available we will b e with you right away’ so I waited, and waited a little longer by this point its 9.30pm I pressed my nurse buzzer again for someone to come as my patients was starting to wear thin as my pins and needles has now turned into a numb feeling (like when you wake up in the morning and you have been asleep on your arm and you can move it but it sort of doesn’t feel like it belongs to you anymore) I again, explained this to the nurse who very sharply replied ‘ I’m sorry this has taken so long to get to you but it is Saturday night and we are very busy and have just had a lot of very ill patients arrive who need our help and this is a case of prioritising and you are not at the top of this list’
I actually couldn’t believe what had just come out of her mouth! I am fully aware of other patients and prioritising work loads but I have been asking now for nearly 15 hours. The last members of staff on have kindly left this to you on your shift so this is now your problem and I need this sorting. she walked out in a bit of a huff which I didn’t appreciate as I am not here for a holiday, I have cancer and getting an infection like that while my white blood cells are low could kill me. MY priority is getting better so I can go back to work and look after and feed my 10 month old child.
NHS this is disgusting and is not acceptable. I have been in and out of hospitals in the last 6 years across Derbyshire, South Yorkshire and London and I have never felt so belittled and appalled by the staff and there protocol. I put this down to shortage of qualified staff members and I am always the first to stick up for our nurses and NHS staff but on this occasion I cannot see why this took so long to sort out.
Disgusted with Chesterfield Royal Hospital and I shall do my up most in the future to stay well clear of it. I hope the new McMillan cancer centre currently being built isn’t going to be staffed and run this way.
I am a person not a number.
I’m in the car on the way to Scotland. We’re part of the Juke club so we get waved at on the motorway which can always get a little exciting when traveling on boring roads. So far we have had three pit stops due to mini shitting herself and smelling the car out and Lewis having the smallest bladder in the history of 24 year old males. We celebrated our 2 year anniversary on Tuesday by having a take away, attempting to sleep train lake and packing boxes to move out. Needless to say its been a stressful week.
I got spoilt by Lewis this time. He’s bought me a gorgeous coat from topshop with a faux fur hood in a size 10 – I’m just gonna leave that there. The size 10 remark with the fact I don’t have to squeeze to get in it. It’s been a while since I bought a size 10. Several years in fact. Maybe even when I was at school. A bottle of champagne, a new stacker ring, lush stuff and I even got flowers delivered to work by the man himself. Forever a charmer is Mr Neeve.
Phil Collins in blaring out of our speakers as we travel through the beautiful Peak District and the south of Scotland and it’s taking me back to being a child sat in the back of my dads rover and him drumming away on the steering wheel singing to me through the rear view mirror. Phil Collins’ voice always reminds me of him. Lisa bought me the full collection 3 Christmas’ a go. Best present ever!
This last week has been mental trying to move. I thought renting was supposed to be less hassle than buying but seems I need the same proofs. Packing things up in our current house has been awful with Lewis working full time. I’ve had a 10 month old to entertain and feed while packing up our whole house that is so damp i have to scrub it before I box it and will have to do that for unpacking it to. This house for me has defiantly come at the right time.
Lakes learned to scream. I’m going to murder her.
I’m still awake. I’m shattered but here I am in the living room after going to bed at 10.30pm.
I’ve got a million and one things going off in my head as usual – most of it are things that will never happen but my anxiety likes keeping me awake thinking of all the things I can’t change.
I want to learn how to let go. I feel like I’m holding on to something and its burdening me.
*takes a deep breath in and out
I’ve got a terrible cold yet again. I’ve got snot bubbles on my face a constant vile sniffing nose that can only be described as a mating call. I have puffy eyes that are red and look like I’ve been on a bender for 3 nights. I’m breathing out of my mouth so not only does that make me look retarded I’ve got the worst dry mouth and my breath probably smells but I wouldn’t know about that because I can’t even smell my new Yankee candle that I have. One disappointed human today.
I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself because I have this cold. Feel like the world is against me today.
So I was naughty,
I had a KFC!
Diane at slimming world is NOT going to be happy.