Wear a mask? Don’t wear a mask? Your choice.

I didn’t think this lockdown would be hard as I have now enjoyed three of them but it turns out this is the worst one and I don’t believe that this will be the last one i see either. After all the governments advice to wear masks in doors and out but only if you’re with 5 other people and before 10pm. Stay in your house unless you need to go food shopping or to work in which case only do so if necessary. Only on Christmas Day can you see your loved ones, you can eat with them but don’t hug them or have more than one bubble or more than three children {they are classed as a person} In some cases this does include the children unless you can home school them. Now show your children how to conform into a “normal” life and go and watch them hug their pals in the playground but again wear a mask unless your not 11 yet.
How can i portray this to a five year old if i, at 32 don’t understand it. How does our own country show us up time and time again.

Thing is I’m going to have to leave this here for a while because this whole thing just screws with my head, just like its supposed to. I can feel rage inside me and frustration and not just for myself for others that are going hungry and people having their homes taken by debt collectors, the nurses killing themselves on the front line. Businesses folding, this country has never been in such a terrible place mentally, how many more suicides do we need to have? How much of this do we have to endure before enough is really enough?

Worst week in 2019 so far

I’m actually struggling this week. I didn’t really realise how much until Lewis asked me ‘what’s going on?’

It’s been difficult at work this week and I’ve been crippled with anxiety and I feel like at any moment in time I could burst into tears or a fit of rage. Theres nothing that compares to the dread you feel bumping into someone you don’t want to or hearing snide remarks thrown your way. When you feel it bubble up inside you like you could physically burst into a thousands peices and someone would just sweep you under the rug and forget your there.

I’ve got things I need to do and places I’ve got to get to but I’m being held back by staying in bed and sleeping because lets face it, you don’t feel anything when your asleep. Memory isn’t a thing and neither is dread or upset.

Remember getting on the school bus and sitting near the front away from those bullies at the back and wanting to be invisible so no one would start shouting at you. Or the first love you had and your in a restaurant and you bump into his ex who he was with for years and you know she broke his heart. That’s the feeling. The stomach churning feeling I’ve come to know so well.

My hands are tied for now. I won’t share my burdons nor make them apparent but I know you’re aware of what your doing.

Day number 6

I’ve had tooth ache now for just short of a week and I’m loosing the will to live. I’ve started to think if I took all my own teeth out with a pair of mouldy tweezers it wouldn’t hurt this much. I’ve got an infection in my gum all down the right side of my face. Even my jaw is hurting down to the bone. I went to bed last night about 9.30pm and the last time I saw the clock it was 4.45am this morning. Sat up crying about the pain and all the things going off in my head.
I’ve got my appointment at Weston park on Thursday and I’m dreading what they are going to say. This is my results from the MRI scan I had a few weeks back. I think every one else can tell there is something wrong to by the way I’ve been acting. I can’t help but push people away and turn myself into isolation, I find it a coping mechanism to stop hurting other people and so I’m not crying all the time. I’m going into the unknown again. I’m going right back into my worst nightmare.
Just to add, I’ve also weighed myself this morning and I’m not happy. 10:12lbs it said I was. Since October I’ve added 12lbs to my weight and it’s making me feel like it’s 12 stone. I need to fall in love with myself again before I go on holiday in may. I want to feel like I can work a bikini not that everyone will think I’ve been harpooned.

Move more, eat less. Worry none.

Yeah right!