March/April Covid-19

I see the world has come to a stand still. No one seems to know what’s happening or for how long, or if anything is actually real or are we being fed by our own government. I’ve been in isolation for 20 days now and if I’m truly honest, I’m loving it. I have turned all the news off on the TV and off my phone I’ve ignored anyone who has messaged about it because of all this scaremongering being plastered everywhere. People are slowly realising that this effects each and every single person, old or young, weak or not this Covid-19 doesn’t discriminate. Gender, blood type, race or culture it doesn’t care. This is coming for us all.

This isn’t just about you anymore, this is about protecting all our loved ones and the most vulnerable. I miss my family to, I’m only human but what this has showed me is how much I have stopped valuing there company and its just become a regular thing but its not always going to be like that, they are nearly 80 and one day they wont be there. I wont be able to just nip down. I have one other Nan and she has just moved to a care home in Ashover and my mum is beside herself as it is. Nan Nancy has got Alzheimer’s and now because the whole place is on lock down for 12 weeks my mum thinks she will forget her by the time she see’s her again. All this is so I can see her after we have been given the all clear. We all need to play our part in how we get through this.

As a kid my immune system was pretty faultless and *touch wood* I haven’t ever broken a bone or had chicken pox so bad I had to go to the hospital. However being 21 and being told you have numerous tumours around your body is gut wrenching to say the least but they have stuff that they can do to sort that, no problem – however this virus has nothing to stop it, no magic shot to make it all go away and that my friends, scares me. My life has been threatened before and I came through that fighting but that was just me. I have Lake and Lewis to think of now and I will protect them until my last breath if that’s what it took. Life is short and you need to protect what’s yours. Do it for us all. I sure as shit didn’t let cancer take me down I will not be taken down by a virus.

Isn’t it easy to slip into the world of social media? You’ve just popped on to check who the actor is in the film your watching and bam, films done you’ve seen nothing however you have learnt how to do a French plait upside down with ribbons, contour your abs so you have a 5 minute six pack and watched a grown man jump into a swimming pool that had frozen over. I love home accounts on social media and I’m terrible for falling in the trap of ‘I need to decorate’ or ‘I need that dress’ when in actual fact neither of these things will make me happy nor do I need. We are so consumer driven into buying stuff we don’t need. Yes that house on Instagram looks great, but its also owned by a young couple who have nothing else to spend there money on and they don’t have sticky jam finger prints every where you turn. Our stock market has fallen into a black hole because hey if your not selling new pyjamas or toilet roll who the hell needs it? You do not live in Instagram.

This isolation has been so good for me and it came just at the right time. I’m still coming to terms with her (possibly) starting school in September and I know she is ready, its me, I’m not. I’m so used to having her around all the time. We have made it to 18 days, three of us in our three bed semi detached house and not once fallen out. That’s marriage material that is. I have taken this time to be a mother, a fiancé a daughter and granddaughter. In ‘normaler’ times things you forget you miss, that good night kiss every night when your normally working. I will look back on this time in owe when its all over and remember the fun and laughter we had in our home and how we have all grown from this experience as a family.

Covid-19 is happening like they planned, its sweeping the globe faster than anything else I hope I ever see. I want to take all the positives out of this and look how this has healed some of the damage we as humans have done to our planet. I hope we learn with mother nature and take pride in saving our planet and realise just what 24hours shut down can do. Hold on we will get there together, come out stronger and united.

This to shall pass.

Worst week in 2019 so far

I’m actually struggling this week. I didn’t really realise how much until Lewis asked me ‘what’s going on?’

It’s been difficult at work this week and I’ve been crippled with anxiety and I feel like at any moment in time I could burst into tears or a fit of rage. Theres nothing that compares to the dread you feel bumping into someone you don’t want to or hearing snide remarks thrown your way. When you feel it bubble up inside you like you could physically burst into a thousands peices and someone would just sweep you under the rug and forget your there.

I’ve got things I need to do and places I’ve got to get to but I’m being held back by staying in bed and sleeping because lets face it, you don’t feel anything when your asleep. Memory isn’t a thing and neither is dread or upset.

Remember getting on the school bus and sitting near the front away from those bullies at the back and wanting to be invisible so no one would start shouting at you. Or the first love you had and your in a restaurant and you bump into his ex who he was with for years and you know she broke his heart. That’s the feeling. The stomach churning feeling I’ve come to know so well.

My hands are tied for now. I won’t share my burdons nor make them apparent but I know you’re aware of what your doing.

Magna wedding fair

Sunday, although starting quite stressed ended with laughter smiles and no one out sleeping in the shed. So todays been well spent. We went to a wedding fair today at Sheffield, via the M1 and I drove and it must have been like we were invisible or something as everyone sempt to target my moving bright yellow Nissan juke. Needless to say I came home a different way.

The wedding fair sempt quite small on arrival however it took us 1.5 hours to walk around once, looking at all the different stands. We learnt a lot from today mainly what we don’t want rather than what we do. Never the less this has crossed a few things off the list of things we want and it’s becoming more and more clear what direction we’re heading in.

Oh and we agreed on a date to get married.

And we may have sorted a photographer but there’s nothing wrong with being prepared. I can’t wait to start planning and getting mood boards together, the cutting and sticking oh it’s so exciting. That one day you’ve both dreamed of surrounded by all the wonderful people in your life. Everyone looking dapper.

Future Mrs Laura Neeve.

2021 is gonna be a good year.

5th day of 2018

I thought I’d of started this year off on a massive high but turns out I was sadly mistaken.

Day 1. Lake through the biggest bitch fit known to man in front of her god parents, parents.

Day 2. I woke up with a sickness bug and couldn’t make it to work.

Day 3. Sore tummy from being sick, muscle ache, no food and the smell of it making me gag, swollen glands and a headache.

Day 4. I went to the doctors turns out I need antibiotics for a throat infection that can only be described as my glands stopping me swallowing and breathing.

Day 5. Find out my nan has been on the war path again with Lewis telling him stories from when I was a child and trying to sabotage the relationship we all have with my mother.

On the plus side I drove on the motorway for the first time this week, I got my prescription free because I’m a cancer patient, I had a good review from work and Lake now knows how far to push me before repercussions happen.

What is it people say about balance?

Proudness

I’m wide awake after just getting up with Lake. She was in a bit of a flap because she couldn’t find her donkey (a jelly cat called donkel) I’m now back in bed watching her on the monitor soothe herself back to sleep and rub his ear next to her face. She’s had a the same nasty cold I have had this last week and although she’s over the worst of it I can’t help but feel for her when I hear her coughing herself awake. I’m looking forward to getting her a big bed at Christmas so I can climb in with her and cuddle her until she falls back to sleep. It’s so hard with her still being in a cot because if she falls asleep on me I can’t lift her back in bed.

I look at her and I feel my heart expand with happiness and sadness all at the same time. I’m so happy but sad she will grow and fly the nest. Sometimes I wish she could just stay my little baby for a little while longer. I’m getting all emotional thinking about her 2nd birthday and how it’s weeks away and how I felt this time 1 year ago when she turned 1.

She’s more than I ever expected, she’s shaped me in a way I thought no person could and she’s fixed wounds I never thought would heal.

She’s not just a child.

She’s my child and I’m so proud.

I smell like young testosterone

So today has been ‘my’ day. Lakes at nursery and Lewis is at work and for once I haven’t slept the whole day like I normally do and then in the evening get upset because I’m not tired and I’ve missed a whole day.

I called the salon this morning to see if I could cheekily get into have my hair done because I’ve officially not washed it for a week and I think it’s on it’s way to walking off my own head.

2pm I had my hair washed by a girl who’s nails I do and it was every bit of what I imagined. There’s something about zeta special about the way a hairdresser washes you hair that just makes it feel like magic. I walked out bounding with confidence that my hair actually looks nice after a blow dry.

So I’m shopping, walking in and out of shops and getting excited for Christmas seeing all the new stock come into the stores and I head over the the perfume counter and see a sent I used to wear as a 20 year old child making my way to being an adult and spray a ‘spritz’ across myself to come to the realisation that it’s men’s.

So I’ve got lovely glossy sleek new hair and now all I can smell Is testosterone. Great.

I need to shop walking around with my eyes shut and pay attention to what I’m doing with my life.

Nursery Day

today was lakes first day at nursery and she loved it. she didn’t want to come home. I don’t know what that says about her home life but I’m glad she enjoyed her time there.

I dropped her off at 1pm today and collected her at 4 after having my brows done, obviously you have to be selfish with your time. As I was getting off the bus Lewis called to say he was up the road and he had finished a job so we got to collect Lake together. We walked in nursery and looked through the window as she was sat down with all the other children eating her dinner and I felt so proud. I only recall this proud feeling when I gave birth but seeing her there, grown and interacting with children and her having no idea that we could see her filled my heart and made my eyes well up. I was so glad Lewis got to share that with me and see what a incredible human we have.

I cannot lie this has been one hell of a journey and I’m no where close to half way but at times like this its nice to stop and appreciate what you have and how much you have achieved, to save for days when you feel like you have had enough and that you cant go on anymore.

Parenting is the hardest thing you will ever have to do but ill tell you a secret, its totally worth it.

the day before

tomorrow is Lakes first time at nursery. I don’t know how I feel about it, one side fills me with dread like any other mother but you hear all these horror stories. on the other side I know this will do her so much good. She is in the middle of what feels like terrible twos (aside from she is 19 months old) she’s hitting, and saying ‘smack’ when she is doing it so is aware of what it is but I cant seem to curb this. I feel like I have tried everything.

Lake is pushing so much right now from throwing tantrums to throwing toys. She boots off when you change her, she boots off when you put her to bed, she boots off getting dressed and surprisingly getting undressed. She screams at the cats and throws her dummy everywhere possible including down the number 54 bus at rush hour, that was the fun thing of today. sometimes its just hard to listen to that whinge voice where she doesn’t even know what she wants.

Don’t get me wrong I love being a parent, being her mom is the best thing in the world and she surprises me everyday with what she picks up she is just going to grow so much at nursery with the other toddlers. Her being a baby didn’t seem to last long.

I’m looking forward to seeing her bloom.

Boss Mom, Blog Mom.

I’ve not blogged in what feels like forever and I really want to put more time and effort into what I’m writing. So I have started and the first move was to buy a laptop and buy a book on blogging and taking some tips from people who I follow on Instagram. All achieved today. god I’m getting good at this making a list and sticking to it stuff.

I downloaded a list app on my iPhone and when I’m lying in bed at night and I have a million things running around in my head that I’m trying not to forget, I make the list on my phone, look at it the next morning and then mark off what I’ve done when I’ve done it.

I shall be a boss mom.

I can do this.

Chesterfield Royal Hospital has lost my vote

I’m not one to complain about the NHS I’ve never really had a cause to complain, I’ve always been treated brilliantly but this last 6 days in Chesterfield Royal Hospital has proven the most difficult out of all my stays in hospital (and there’s been a few)

I don’t even know where to start on the stuff I have experienced since being here but it took the staff 15 hours to take out my cannula from one arm and replace it in the other. Yes this is over two staff shifts and all I got in return when I repeatedly asked about it was ‘this isn’t on our shift now, its handover so the night staff will take it out’

7.30am on Saturday morning I woke up with pins and needles in my left arm. My cannula was in the wrist of my left arm. I experienced a very similar sensation a few years ago in the same arm when I had a PICC line in and I had a bad infection in it. This is one of the most painful experience’s I had during my many months of chemotherapy (the second time) so this is a familiar feeling to me and not one I wish to have again. I pressed my buzzer for the nurse to come and I explained how this was making me feel uneasy and that I needed it removing and putting in my right arm. The nurse on duty said she would get someone to do that for me right away as she could only take it out and wasn’t trained to put it back in. I agreed to waiting until a qualified nurse was available to do both in the same transaction as I have been throwing up blood which was something that got me admitted. My stomach hasn’t been right for over a week now and I didn’t feel comfortable taking tablets as they wasn’t in my stomach long enough to take effect so the best method was to have everything via IV. I buzzed the nurses several times throughout the day asking for painkillers and anti sickness because they never asked me if I would like to self medicate (which is something I do at home so I can do that there)

7.30pm the same cannula is still in my left arm and hasn’t been changed over to my right yet. I called for a nurse again to see if the trained nurse could do this for me and as the nurse replied ‘we are currently on handover so as soon as someone is available we will b e with you right away’ so I waited, and waited a little longer by this point its 9.30pm I pressed my nurse buzzer again for someone to come as my patients was starting to wear thin as my pins and needles has now turned into a numb feeling (like when you wake up in the morning and you have been asleep on your arm and you can move it but it sort of doesn’t feel like it belongs to you anymore)  I again, explained this to the nurse who very sharply replied ‘ I’m sorry this has taken so long to get to you but it is Saturday night and we are very busy and have just had a lot of very ill patients arrive who need our help and this is a case of prioritising and you are not at the top of this list’

I actually couldn’t believe what had just come out of her mouth! I am fully aware of other patients and prioritising work loads but I have been asking now for nearly 15 hours. The last members of staff on have kindly left this to you on your shift so this is now your problem and I need this sorting. she walked out in a bit of a huff which I didn’t appreciate as I am not here for a holiday, I have cancer and getting an infection like that while my white blood cells are low could kill me. MY priority is getting better so I can go back to work and look after and feed my 10 month old child.

NHS this is disgusting and is not acceptable. I have been in and out of hospitals in the last 6 years across Derbyshire, South Yorkshire and London and I have never felt so belittled and appalled by the staff and there protocol. I put this down to shortage of qualified staff members and I am always the first to stick up for our nurses and NHS staff  but on this occasion I cannot see why this took so long to sort out.

 

Disgusted with Chesterfield Royal Hospital and I shall do my up most in the future to stay well clear of it.  I hope the new McMillan cancer centre currently being built isn’t going to be staffed and run this way.

 

I am a person not a number.

Here we go

I heard ‘Don’t let cancer define you’ a few times during my cancer treatments. My goal certainly wasn’t to let cancer define me but it just kinda overtook every thought in my head on its own. Once that monster was out of its cage, it was impossible to put it back in. Everything else had to be put on hold – whether temporarily, or permanently. At the time I wasn’t sure which one it was going to be.

I’m a pretty normal woman. I can handle myself, and throughout my life always have done what I can to help others with work, business, move a couch or whatever. Need help? Just ask. And that was my approach as I went into cancer treatment- to document the experience in an effort to help some future patient in my situation. To keep things positive, yet realistic and with a wee bit of humor too. I created a blog I kept up with, until the dreaded chemo brain and overall depression of the situation took me down a few weeks later.

“Just take care of YOU.” That’s what I was told repeatedly. I tried to continue to do that, and to be “normal”, but eventually, I had to accept that certain things were out of my control. Hanging on and praying for this all to end was all I could focus on, whether I liked it or not, and I could barely even focus on that.

All I could think about was cancer. And treatments. And the next appointment. And the never ending mind games of: was I gonna die? What were these side effects doing to me? Where these effects going to be permanent? Was the chemo working? Do I want to be buried if I die? Where do I want to be buried? What will happen to my family? On and on and on, day in, day out. Week in, week out, with no relief mentally. Those were my thoughts, 24/7, for months. Little else was on my mind and I had extreme difficulty thinking or talking about anything else. I was sure people were sick of hearing it, so I often just sat in silence and let the thoughts run wild with me. This is very bad idea which I don’t recommend…but I know that silencing those thoughts are much easier said than done.

People continued to tell me “Don’t let this define you”…but I did for a very long time, except not willingly or consciously. Eventually, it passed naturally, and other aspects of “normal life” worked its way back in as things calmed down. Does cancer define me? No. Is it part of my story? Undeniably. It’s not something I’m embarrassed of, shy about or afraid to talk about. There’s more to me, more to any of us, than just cancer. But it has an effect on our lives whether we share it publicly or not. I know I’ve changed as a person since my experience. I choose to use the experience to empower myself and fuel my anger towards what happened to me to do my part to fight back, either on my own behalf, which is still daily, or on the behalf of others. So no, it doesn’t define me as a person. But it definitely defines the fuel for my purpose and actions every day.

I have cancer.
I am not my cancer.