Magna wedding fair

Sunday, although starting quite stressed ended with laughter smiles and no one out sleeping in the shed. So todays been well spent. We went to a wedding fair today at Sheffield, via the M1 and I drove and it must have been like we were invisible or something as everyone sempt to target my moving bright yellow Nissan juke. Needless to say I came home a different way.

The wedding fair sempt quite small on arrival however it took us 1.5 hours to walk around once, looking at all the different stands. We learnt a lot from today mainly what we don’t want rather than what we do. Never the less this has crossed a few things off the list of things we want and it’s becoming more and more clear what direction we’re heading in.

Oh and we agreed on a date to get married.

And we may have sorted a photographer but there’s nothing wrong with being prepared. I can’t wait to start planning and getting mood boards together, the cutting and sticking oh it’s so exciting. That one day you’ve both dreamed of surrounded by all the wonderful people in your life. Everyone looking dapper.

Future Mrs Laura Neeve.

2021 is gonna be a good year.

Same shit different year.

I say it every year, we all do, we’re gonna make changes and shape our bodies the way we have all dreamed of. ‘It’s going to be the best year ever’ or ‘2019 is our year’ I’m guilty ill hold my hands up. I love starting a fresh year with a positive attitude all fired up and ready to make the change I so need but how many of the things I say I’m gonna do, do I actually do.

I specifically remember telling myself I needed to blog more last new year and of course in one whole year I managed 3 posts.

In the grand scheme of things I was in such a bad place for most of the year that I don’t think I would like to read it back. A lot happened in 2018 that definitely shaped me as a person. However I am so thankful I got to see it through and I made it like I said I would. I’ve got my little Lake and her daddy and both of them managed to get me through it unharmed.

I really want to blog more this year and let you see more of what happens in my daily life. I won’t promise I will but I will promise I’ll try. I’ve got a list of things to do as long as my arm and the more I look at it the more it puts me off which also leads me to my next resolution.

Procrastination is a major downfall for me. Why put off today what you can put off tomorrow has become very my go to mood. December is my busy month with work and I’ve done extra and long shifts so I haven’t felt like even being awake when I’m not working. All I want to do is be in bed sleeping. I’ve also been poorly with a throat infection over Christmas and had to have antibiotics so I’ve been the designated driver. All that aside I’ve still manage to pile the pounds on this last month to say I’ve had difficulty swallowing I’ve certainly made up for it on good days.

And last but not least my last new years resolution is to stop being a recluse and go and see people who want to hang out with me. I’m such a home bird that I find myself shutting myself off from things that happen outside of it. My home is my sanctuary and my break from life but I do seriously need to get out more and see friends. I want to see the people that make me smile and laugh and who make me feel good about myself.

Im so glad to let go of 2018 it wasn’t the best.

2019 is going to be positive, intense, it’s gonna be memorable and I want to look back with fond memories. Lakes Three now and I want to enjoy every moment of it.

5th day of 2018

I thought I’d of started this year off on a massive high but turns out I was sadly mistaken.

Day 1. Lake through the biggest bitch fit known to man in front of her god parents, parents.

Day 2. I woke up with a sickness bug and couldn’t make it to work.

Day 3. Sore tummy from being sick, muscle ache, no food and the smell of it making me gag, swollen glands and a headache.

Day 4. I went to the doctors turns out I need antibiotics for a throat infection that can only be described as my glands stopping me swallowing and breathing.

Day 5. Find out my nan has been on the war path again with Lewis telling him stories from when I was a child and trying to sabotage the relationship we all have with my mother.

On the plus side I drove on the motorway for the first time this week, I got my prescription free because I’m a cancer patient, I had a good review from work and Lake now knows how far to push me before repercussions happen.

What is it people say about balance?

Proudness

I’m wide awake after just getting up with Lake. She was in a bit of a flap because she couldn’t find her donkey (a jelly cat called donkel) I’m now back in bed watching her on the monitor soothe herself back to sleep and rub his ear next to her face. She’s had a the same nasty cold I have had this last week and although she’s over the worst of it I can’t help but feel for her when I hear her coughing herself awake. I’m looking forward to getting her a big bed at Christmas so I can climb in with her and cuddle her until she falls back to sleep. It’s so hard with her still being in a cot because if she falls asleep on me I can’t lift her back in bed.

I look at her and I feel my heart expand with happiness and sadness all at the same time. I’m so happy but sad she will grow and fly the nest. Sometimes I wish she could just stay my little baby for a little while longer. I’m getting all emotional thinking about her 2nd birthday and how it’s weeks away and how I felt this time 1 year ago when she turned 1.

She’s more than I ever expected, she’s shaped me in a way I thought no person could and she’s fixed wounds I never thought would heal.

She’s not just a child.

She’s my child and I’m so proud.

Days at home

Me and Lake got up about brunch time today just because we could. When she wakes she’s happy to just play in her cot until I wake up (unless her nappy is bulging or she’s ready for her toast) in which case she repeatedly shouts me until I go in her room. I don’t even have time to pee first.

She’s had her dummy (Diddy as she calls it) a lot less today because I’ve noticed she’s tried to talk with it in and that’s a pet hate of mine so she has to take it out or stay quiet for bed times. We played games, did the washing, read some books and had snuggles on the sofa.

Today we didn’t do much but we managed to love one another all day and not fall out and that’s good enough for me. I felt like I missed her this week because I haven’t had much one on one time with her but today made up for that and it shows me how far I’ve come in a year.

Halloween is over now and I can feel my Christmas spirit rising within me. Lake will be two on December 23rd and she’s having a party and I’m so excited to see her little face.

Days like today I like to sit back and look at what a beautiful little human me and Lewis are raising and how proud I am of her and us for taking this challenge together.

I smell like young testosterone

So today has been ‘my’ day. Lakes at nursery and Lewis is at work and for once I haven’t slept the whole day like I normally do and then in the evening get upset because I’m not tired and I’ve missed a whole day.

I called the salon this morning to see if I could cheekily get into have my hair done because I’ve officially not washed it for a week and I think it’s on it’s way to walking off my own head.

2pm I had my hair washed by a girl who’s nails I do and it was every bit of what I imagined. There’s something about zeta special about the way a hairdresser washes you hair that just makes it feel like magic. I walked out bounding with confidence that my hair actually looks nice after a blow dry.

So I’m shopping, walking in and out of shops and getting excited for Christmas seeing all the new stock come into the stores and I head over the the perfume counter and see a sent I used to wear as a 20 year old child making my way to being an adult and spray a ‘spritz’ across myself to come to the realisation that it’s men’s.

So I’ve got lovely glossy sleek new hair and now all I can smell Is testosterone. Great.

I need to shop walking around with my eyes shut and pay attention to what I’m doing with my life.

Day number 6

I’ve had tooth ache now for just short of a week and I’m loosing the will to live. I’ve started to think if I took all my own teeth out with a pair of mouldy tweezers it wouldn’t hurt this much. I’ve got an infection in my gum all down the right side of my face. Even my jaw is hurting down to the bone. I went to bed last night about 9.30pm and the last time I saw the clock it was 4.45am this morning. Sat up crying about the pain and all the things going off in my head.
I’ve got my appointment at Weston park on Thursday and I’m dreading what they are going to say. This is my results from the MRI scan I had a few weeks back. I think every one else can tell there is something wrong to by the way I’ve been acting. I can’t help but push people away and turn myself into isolation, I find it a coping mechanism to stop hurting other people and so I’m not crying all the time. I’m going into the unknown again. I’m going right back into my worst nightmare.
Just to add, I’ve also weighed myself this morning and I’m not happy. 10:12lbs it said I was. Since October I’ve added 12lbs to my weight and it’s making me feel like it’s 12 stone. I need to fall in love with myself again before I go on holiday in may. I want to feel like I can work a bikini not that everyone will think I’ve been harpooned.

Move more, eat less. Worry none.

Yeah right!

MRI’s and head aches

I’ve been quite down the last few days and I can’t pin point what it is that’s making me so upset.
I feel like I have lost control over a lot of things recently and no way of getting them back.
I went for a MRI scan last Monday and that’s thrown me off my daily anxiety and switched it up a level. I get my scan results in 2 weeks and I already feel sick about it. I can’t be ill again. How can I? I have Lake, I’ve got to look after her and Lewis. I haven’t got time to be ill or the Funds to be off sick.
Last Monday night on the way home from Sheffield I didn’t even speak to Lewis. I blanked him just like my brain had blanked me. I had been in a state of panic but asleep, a terror but floating. My scan took about a hour but I had to wait 2 hours for it so Lake and Lewis patiently waited for me in the hospital. I can only explain a MRI scan as being in a sensory deprivation tank and being somewhere between asleep and awake, weightless and floating.
I’ve had a cold again and I can’t get rid of it. My nose is blocked and I’ve got congestion pain and a head ache that’s lasted 8 days now.

When will this end

Voice Mail

I’ve been left a voice mail from my oncologist at Weston park hospital and to get in touch with him. I’ve just spoken to him and Fuck. I wish I hadn’t.
I was having a alright day.
Fuck.
Fuck.
FUCK.

I’m looking forward

Things are pretty smitten right now, I’ve got paid and I’ve been to IKEA to actually order our new bed and mattress as I’m so tired of sleeping on the floor (pardon the pun) I’ve ordered our new Laura Ashley wallpaper and that’s on its way to us, I’ve sorted most things for Lakes room I’ve just got to make a start on it.
Everything’s going good at work, I’m still super busy even in January. The month of doom. The rest of the house is coming together with bits of furniture I keep picking up and it’s so much better than our old house even though I’m still gutted I no longer live there.
Lakes behaviour is on point. She’s learning how to walk (we’re not there yet but she’ll walk with you and pushing her baby’s pram) she’s the funniest little human I know. All her little qwerks and funny little routines she has. She’s eating everything I give her still, aside from cauliflower – we’re not a lover of that. She has a slice of toast for breakfast and some water and feeds herself. I’m so proud of her, we have no tantrums aside from nappy changing 40% of the time. She slept right through last night, I know this because I was awake most of it with the worst stuffy nose ever. Still got this vile cold and bad chest but I guess we can’t have it all.
I’ve sorted Lewis’ present out for his birthday and we’re going on holiday. Yes, just me and him and we’re going to alcudia to lay on a beach and do nothing for 5 days. Don’t worry though Lake won’t miss out, she’s going on her own holiday to the seaside with Sarana and Tiffany. I just hope it’s nice weather for them so they can play on the beach. She loves sand and she should be walking then.
I’m in a good place right now and I’m totally soaking it up.

Here we go

I heard ‘Don’t let cancer define you’ a few times during my cancer treatments. My goal certainly wasn’t to let cancer define me but it just kinda overtook every thought in my head on its own. Once that monster was out of its cage, it was impossible to put it back in. Everything else had to be put on hold – whether temporarily, or permanently. At the time I wasn’t sure which one it was going to be.

I’m a pretty normal woman. I can handle myself, and throughout my life always have done what I can to help others with work, business, move a couch or whatever. Need help? Just ask. And that was my approach as I went into cancer treatment- to document the experience in an effort to help some future patient in my situation. To keep things positive, yet realistic and with a wee bit of humor too. I created a blog I kept up with, until the dreaded chemo brain and overall depression of the situation took me down a few weeks later.

“Just take care of YOU.” That’s what I was told repeatedly. I tried to continue to do that, and to be “normal”, but eventually, I had to accept that certain things were out of my control. Hanging on and praying for this all to end was all I could focus on, whether I liked it or not, and I could barely even focus on that.

All I could think about was cancer. And treatments. And the next appointment. And the never ending mind games of: was I gonna die? What were these side effects doing to me? Where these effects going to be permanent? Was the chemo working? Do I want to be buried if I die? Where do I want to be buried? What will happen to my family? On and on and on, day in, day out. Week in, week out, with no relief mentally. Those were my thoughts, 24/7, for months. Little else was on my mind and I had extreme difficulty thinking or talking about anything else. I was sure people were sick of hearing it, so I often just sat in silence and let the thoughts run wild with me. This is very bad idea which I don’t recommend…but I know that silencing those thoughts are much easier said than done.

People continued to tell me “Don’t let this define you”…but I did for a very long time, except not willingly or consciously. Eventually, it passed naturally, and other aspects of “normal life” worked its way back in as things calmed down. Does cancer define me? No. Is it part of my story? Undeniably. It’s not something I’m embarrassed of, shy about or afraid to talk about. There’s more to me, more to any of us, than just cancer. But it has an effect on our lives whether we share it publicly or not. I know I’ve changed as a person since my experience. I choose to use the experience to empower myself and fuel my anger towards what happened to me to do my part to fight back, either on my own behalf, which is still daily, or on the behalf of others. So no, it doesn’t define me as a person. But it definitely defines the fuel for my purpose and actions every day.

I have cancer.
I am not my cancer.